now check this...

Saw Dr Edeling this morning, and she's "chuffed" with outcome of op. I'm
seeing 4 lines further down on the chart and the cornea is clear (from
infection etc). I'm still not seeing better overall because of eyestrain
compensating for sore eye & still light sensitive, but at least things seem
to be moving in the right direction. This is good news. And good news I
needed. I was feeling very down last night, thinking about loss of vision,
loss of independence, loss of doing things I love (working huh? scrapbooking
reading). But this is a temporary setback towards getting to a better place.
And that's good.
And we have our auditors here, finally. Which is really good, because I can
finally start planning things like my trip to the UK (November), like
leaving Mvula and (possibly) getting another job, about taking some leave
when my Dad's here. They're a nice bunch - two ex-Hudsonians and a rather
silent Gauteng-er. And they're going on a field trip next week, *sigh* and I
can relax.
--
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clippity-clop

East London has mounted police. Do you know that? Previously I've seen them
in Bonza Bay, much to the delight of my boys, and I've seen them on the
Esplanade after gym. But now it seems Devereux Ave in on their circuit.
Today's the second day I've heard the delightful sound of clippity-clop and
peered out my window to get a glimpse of 5 policemen and their beautiful
mounts. Love that. Such a super tingle of unreality in the sea of figures
that's my job at the moment.
--
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he walks!

The Ant has started walking. And he is so thrilled with himself. Well, I
don't know if I'd call it actually walking, it's more like a hybrid between
staggering and launching. It goes like this:
His mom (kneeling on the floor) puts him at arm's length from her and says
"balance... balance." which he does with great concentration, looking at his
feet. Then she says "come come, walking, my boy." He looks up with a big
grin and takes about three or four steps towards her before launching into
her arms with great giggles. Then mom sweeps him up into the air with great
glee saying "clever boy, clever boy" to which he grins more and claps his
hands.
While writing this, I have a great grin on MY face... Such a sweet little
thing. This is good because I have auditors (relaxed) and a Financial
Director (spinning) with me today.
--
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cuddles with Tim

Now Timmy-Tiger is usually just a ball of energy, hardly able to sit down
for longer than about 10 minutes (even rivetted to Sinbad Sailing The Seven
Seas, he has to climb the couch and would swing from the chandeliers if we
had any). Recently he's taken to sneaking into my bed in the night. Now when
it's 3.15, I get a little annoyed (cos Ant's sleeping through and Tim's feet
are really really cold). But when it's 5.15 (the alarm goes off at 5.20)
then we're all cuddles. Tim keeps still for long enough for us to cuddle and
tickle and giggle. It's too marvelous. And this morning, I had that terrible
sense that one day he's not going to want the cuddles... so I must get in
all I can now.
--
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pirate (for a day & a half)

Eye op went fine on Wednesday (a little "fixup" of my corneal graft, left
eye, for those who didn't know...) The anethetist was rather sneaky... said
he was checking the IV and I awoke an hour & a half later. Very sneaky.
Didn't even get to count back from 100 to 97 like normal. Doctor is v happy
with outcome of op, although I can't see any better (wasn't expected, but a
little hope always remains!) Now she gets to pull out stitches here & there
to get the vision right. Looking forward to seeing better.
I think the most interesting was noting the reaction of my kids... Ant was
puzzled and didn't recognise me with my patch on. For about 10 minutes. Then
I couldn't get him away from it. Tim was like: "what's that?" then rushed
off to do his own thing, in a kinda "I'm sure she's going to be all right"
way. Now Matt. He wanted know EXACTLY what the doctor had done, where the
stitches were, what happened to my eye "in the beginning" and when (if) the
patch was going to come off. And he wanted to kiss it. A lot. And touch it.
Sweetie.
I've had much love while being one-eyed. I've got calls from China (the
happy travellers were actually standing on the Great Wall of China when the
called me), sms's from Australia, UK, Cape Town. My family's rallied. It's
been good. And I got to nap in the day. Wonderful.
Alas! back at work already, with auditors arriving (finally!) at 8am on
Monday.
--
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going grey gracefully

I always swore I'd go grey gracefully. That I would take it in my stride and
just accept it. Alas. My scalp is stinging and my shoulders are sore, from
trying to get out the grey (white?) in the bathroom at work. It's really
frustrating, cos they're easy to see (they are shorter and have a different
texture, kinda kinky), but so hard to get a hold of. Perhaps it's my bad
vision (attempts to fix it starting Wed this week), perhaps it's my
inability to operate in reverse in a mirror, or perhaps it's just fate. I
think I managed to get about three (got them out with folicle tags, so CSI
team can find out, with proof, who's going grey ungracefully in this
office), and managed to pull out about 5 others that weren't grey.
--
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God-moments

I've had a couple of "there is a God" moments today. Once this morning, in
the haste and hecticness that is our early mornings, I struggled (as usual)
to lock our front door, carrying my gym bag & my handbag (mercifully, G had
carried everything else to the car, including three boy-bodies). I banged
and bashed and threw down my stuff in a huff, got it locked and swung around
on my smooth-soled shoes and thought about how irritable and irritating I
was. I looked up and saw the moon. Full and bright in the just-bluing
morning sky. And my first thought, well, not really a "thought" as such,
more like a "know" was: There is a God.
The other one was when I was listening to the radio on the way to work. An
Enrique (not my favourite) song came on, which has a line "You can run, you
can hide, but you can't escape my love" and it made me think again "There is
a God and he loves me". And his love is not like Enrique's, that expects
something in return. Like a trapping-kind of love. It's more a liberating
kind. You don't have do anything about it. You can choose to see it, or not.
But it's there.
Now, if you know me WELL, like I think only about, let's see, perhaps ONE of
you, then you'll know that most of my God-thoughts are usually in the region
of "Is there a God" or "Perhaps there's a God". Even in the height of my
Christianism, these were thoughts going on in my head. Those times were way
more about belonging that authenticity.
I hoping for more of these God-moments. They're especially good.
--
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Finding myself as a mother

I know that sounds super serious, or perhaps super introspective, but it's not actually... Today when I dropped the boys off at school, things slowly spiralled out of control. I think there's a certain dynamic of how the boys at the school interact, and if they get dropped off in a certain order (or in a certain mood?) things spin out of control. Today, one boy arrived with a toy AK47 (not a good start), which got my boys in a frenzy, cos they don't see these much (at all!) Ali managed to confiscate it without too much fuss (this is a son of 2x doctors, surely they know better? or they just too tired?) Then Spiderman arrived, and with his mask on, he's invincible, or so he thinks. Promptly beat up a couple of boys, and just missed running over some girls (mostly because they were either on the swings or hiding behind Ali. Then another (normally very sweet boy) points a plastic-but-awefully-real-looking handgun at a group of three rather stunned boys (two mine). Us parents and Ali (while wiping up tears and kissing noses) start trying to reason with them... I tell Spiderman that his job is to PROTECT all his friends from the bad people, and that he's actually quite a loving action hero. Then Mother-of-Spiderman tells a gang of boys that guns are only for shooting buck and wolves (oops, this is against what my boys are taught at home, we don't shoot ANYTHING), and that we don't point guns at people. Matt walks right up to her, and says confidently: "We can use guns to protect ourselves." She's stunned, particularly as she's a lawyer, from a "famous" lawyering family in EL, and says "Well, that's a pretty legal answer."
The long and short of this rambling tale, is this: I didn't get angry. I didn't get exasperated. I (loving) repremanded my kids, using logic and their past experiences. No corporal punishment! No naughty chair or exclusion. And my kids were fine. Well, more than fine. I watched them distracting a younger boy from having a mini-meltdown about his mom leaving, by sharing their (slightly dysfunctional family of) lions with him. Adda boys!
And I kissed a nose (of boy with handgun), talked Spiderman down from a ledge and had a serious discussion with a tiny-tiny little girl (who I've never heard say anything before this than "ja"). Also reassured Mom-of-Spiderman that she's ok. And boys will be what boys will be.

dramatic dreamin'

A mad mix of medicine. Yip. That's me at the moment. I have eye drops, nose-spray, anti-biotics, sinus tablets, an asthma pump, anti-depressants and tranquillisers (oh, and a week-long sick note, which I'm not using to its full potential!). If there's anything you need, I've probably got it in my handbag (and I won't charge you an admin fee). Perhaps this, or maybe Martha Beck's "Leaving the Saints" or even CSI last night gave me a very long night of alternating bad dreams and periods of wakefulness.
At last, the alarm went off, Gareth pressed the snooze button and I fell into the deepest sleep I'd had the whole night. And had the most magnificent dream (in full colour, specifically: green, various shades of pink and grey). It *almost* erased the memories of all the bad dreams. I won't share the full details here, but two things stuck out to me... In part of the dream, I was driving our whole family in a 4x4 across some seriously treacherous terrain. I was having a lot of trouble staying on the road. Gareth was watching the scenery ahead (a gorge with a river running through it, a downy-green mountain across the ravine and a pink & grey sunrise). He urged me to slow down and look at the scenery. I couldn't. I had to watch two metres ahead of me and concentrate really hard, just to stay on the road and keep us all safe. But he kept telling me the amazing views ahead. And I thought, that's ok, I can't really look ahead at the moment, because I'm concentrating on keeping me (us) on the road. And I've got Gareth to tell me about the beautiful things that are ahead (we did stop and walk further on and I got to enjoy the view). The other thing I was so sure of (at the end of the dream and in my waking), in feeling and in knowing, was that there is a God and he knows what he's doing. I haven't felt that kind of peace in a long while. In fact, I can't remember ever feeling that so strongly.
OK, now I know this is heavy stuff, but I needed to share. Partly just to remind myself that it was real. And those of you who know what's going on in my life at the moment, might just get a tiny glimpse of really relevant this dream is. But also, partly to remind myself, now and down the line, when things get more rocky, that even though I need to keep my eyes on the road, I have a man in my life who keeps telling my how good the scenery is and what beauty lies is ahead.