From Proverbs 31v12 (about a wife to her husband):
"She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life."
Monday, August 25
Sunday, August 24
Inhabiting THIS place
So I’ve been thinking about blogging again… it’s been a while now, and I thought maybe to put on my facebook status “Kerry’s been thinking about blogging again, or is it, blogging about thinking again”… But didn’t because this would (perhaps) give it unwanted attention, or unwanted accountability. Or perhaps it was me just trying to look clever with words. Ack. So, I make an appearance again in the blogosphere. Why? Perhaps accountability (but not really, no, cos I don’t expect those who would “hold me accountable” would be reading)… Perhaps accountability to myself. This seems more like it. Esp given my somewhat-defective memory. Perhaps accountability to God, but then He can see right in, so writing stuff down doesn’t make me any more accountable to Him. Although, somehow it asdd substance to commitments, beliefs, understandings… Perhaps just expression. Perhaps need to be heard (but by who? And why?) So, now I quit analyzing (as I do ad infinitum), and get on with it. (Oh, and I forgot to mention the giggle I had at reading on Living Proof Ministries’ blog: “We blog by faith. Not by sight”. Tee hee.
This morning started with the need to capture my prayer as I was face-down this morning (ala Beth Moore, Stepping Up, which this blog with give more voice to, surely): “Lord, You are big and I am small. You are able, I am unable. You are the uncreated One, I am created. You are able, I am so often unable. You are good. It is just Your good that is in me. Work in me. Do Your thing. Have Your way.” And getting up, cos I’ve started thinking about the need for shake-n’-vac for the carpet & the need to draw money to repay debts, I get on with Stepping Up with Beth. The prayer is profound to me, cos I’m not that “good at” praying (clearly, by my own somewhat warped standards, of course) and because it says much of where I’m at at the moment. Needing to trust God more. Needing to acknowledge Him more, in how I’m managing my current space.
Stepping Up is another one of Beth Moore’s brilliant bible studies. Well, brilliant to me & my space, currently. They just reach me. So bible-based – getting into the meat of scripture, delving into the Hebrew & the Greek to get the real word/words. And then applying it so rationally and relationshiply and relevantly. And even occasionally appealing to the English-teacherness in me (see my alliteration? Cool, eh? Even if “relationshiply isn’t a real word!)
Today’s Beth-homework (which is what we affectionately call it at Cell), week 2, day 1, Ps 122, touched me because it reminded me of how I’m learning to manage this place I’m in, at the moment… The “living in the now” mentality which is working so well for me. In Ps 122, the pilgrims pray for the peace of Jerusalem, and Beth brought us to a place of praying for our city (mine, I dare say is actually Bhisho, I spend more waking hours there than any place else currently), and being at peace in our place and praying for it… The parallel drawn with Jer 29v4-7 did it for me, particularly the verse: “And seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive and pray to the Lord for it; for in its peace you will have peace.”
But here’s where I stopped drawing the physical parallel and started drawing the emotional-spiritual parallel (as I do)… This place of separation from Gareth, to where God as “caused me to be carried away” (ie not necessarily caused, but rather allowed to happen)… this is the “city” in which I am now living. And this is where I should do as I would normally do (per Jer 29v4), make peace with it, make peace with others in it (per Ps 122v9). I think this is the “living in the now” mentality which God is teaching me. And which I’m learning. It’s ok right here. When I focus on the past (& the failings of our marriage there), then I feel depressed, regretful, betrayed. When I focus on the unknown of the future (the quite real possibility of divorce & single parenting), then I feel scared, angry, unable. But when I focus on the now, as I’ve been learning to do in fits and starts, it’s ok. God is here. My boys are here and they are (seemingly) quite secure and happy. I am here, which a bunch of really good girlfriends around me, supporting me where & when they can. So this place is ok. In fact, it’s mostly all good. Now I need to inhabit here, and dare I say even prosper here. Do as I would do. Play nesting in granny’s “new flat”. Get on with building relationships with my boys and growing with them into emotionally-enabled people. Work with my insecurities; find security in my God and His unfailingness. Continue to lose weight and be good at my job. Do some gardening. Just get on with it.
This morning started with the need to capture my prayer as I was face-down this morning (ala Beth Moore, Stepping Up, which this blog with give more voice to, surely): “Lord, You are big and I am small. You are able, I am unable. You are the uncreated One, I am created. You are able, I am so often unable. You are good. It is just Your good that is in me. Work in me. Do Your thing. Have Your way.” And getting up, cos I’ve started thinking about the need for shake-n’-vac for the carpet & the need to draw money to repay debts, I get on with Stepping Up with Beth. The prayer is profound to me, cos I’m not that “good at” praying (clearly, by my own somewhat warped standards, of course) and because it says much of where I’m at at the moment. Needing to trust God more. Needing to acknowledge Him more, in how I’m managing my current space.
Stepping Up is another one of Beth Moore’s brilliant bible studies. Well, brilliant to me & my space, currently. They just reach me. So bible-based – getting into the meat of scripture, delving into the Hebrew & the Greek to get the real word/words. And then applying it so rationally and relationshiply and relevantly. And even occasionally appealing to the English-teacherness in me (see my alliteration? Cool, eh? Even if “relationshiply isn’t a real word!)
Today’s Beth-homework (which is what we affectionately call it at Cell), week 2, day 1, Ps 122, touched me because it reminded me of how I’m learning to manage this place I’m in, at the moment… The “living in the now” mentality which is working so well for me. In Ps 122, the pilgrims pray for the peace of Jerusalem, and Beth brought us to a place of praying for our city (mine, I dare say is actually Bhisho, I spend more waking hours there than any place else currently), and being at peace in our place and praying for it… The parallel drawn with Jer 29v4-7 did it for me, particularly the verse: “And seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive and pray to the Lord for it; for in its peace you will have peace.”
But here’s where I stopped drawing the physical parallel and started drawing the emotional-spiritual parallel (as I do)… This place of separation from Gareth, to where God as “caused me to be carried away” (ie not necessarily caused, but rather allowed to happen)… this is the “city” in which I am now living. And this is where I should do as I would normally do (per Jer 29v4), make peace with it, make peace with others in it (per Ps 122v9). I think this is the “living in the now” mentality which God is teaching me. And which I’m learning. It’s ok right here. When I focus on the past (& the failings of our marriage there), then I feel depressed, regretful, betrayed. When I focus on the unknown of the future (the quite real possibility of divorce & single parenting), then I feel scared, angry, unable. But when I focus on the now, as I’ve been learning to do in fits and starts, it’s ok. God is here. My boys are here and they are (seemingly) quite secure and happy. I am here, which a bunch of really good girlfriends around me, supporting me where & when they can. So this place is ok. In fact, it’s mostly all good. Now I need to inhabit here, and dare I say even prosper here. Do as I would do. Play nesting in granny’s “new flat”. Get on with building relationships with my boys and growing with them into emotionally-enabled people. Work with my insecurities; find security in my God and His unfailingness. Continue to lose weight and be good at my job. Do some gardening. Just get on with it.
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