Monday, October 16
off to the wild side
As of next month, my employer will be Ms KA van Harmelen. She's not easy to work for, but she understands me. This is good. She's already given me my November workplan: a research project into financial modelling in municipalities, then 2 weeks' paid trip to the UK (I like this woman), then some training (ETD Practioner). I think this could work.
bloody blogger (aka "More Good Shrink Time")
Yes, I did nearly call him my "shrink" to his face, but I could see the twinkle in his eye... he doesn't mind people calling him "shrink". Just one of my "routine" visits but I had to confess that I hadn't taken the drugs he'd prescribed last time I was there (mood stabilizers). Oops. Meant to phone, but didn't...
Things are much better with me, and here is some of the evidence:
1. I laugh more than I cry when I'm in his office (and it's not nervous or hysterical laughter)
2. I've got friends. No, really, I have! We were looking back to January, when I first saw him, and he'd asked about friends. I said I have one close one, but she's in the UK. We email. Now I've got tons. Love love LOVE my girlfriends, in the form of Book Club Girls, Gym Girls, Scrapbooking Girls, eFriends and two who merit "special mention": Ali and Shupiwe. They can certainly take some credit for my improved sanity.
3. We had a party and invited a bunch of people. It was MY idea and it was very cool.
4. I'm enjoying exercise and giving it some credit for being more Seratonin-sunny and Dopamine-dilly.
5. I'm being retrenched, and happy about it. It's going to give me time to find something I'm more passionate about.
6. I have been talking about depression and giving my medication (Venlor 150mg) some credit for helping me through. This is demystifying this "disease" for me and for others around me.
7. I'm reading. I'm reading FOUR books at the moment (he says to me: "how do you read for books at once?"). Now that's the old me. I can't remember reading a SINGLE book last year. Oh, BTW, if you haven't read "The Time Traveller's Wife", read it.
8. I did a scrapbook workshop on Saturday with Ali, called the "ABC of me" album. It went very very well. I was flat by the end of it, probably from exhaustion and all the giving, but we both received the most beautiful sms's about it afterwards. And we're running a kykweer in a few weeks time for those who feel they've missed out. Good stuff. I have tons of idea about more workshops, too.
9. My "down times" are no longer amorphous. I can name them, I can (usually) identify the cause, and I have skills and strategies to deal with them.
10. I'm planning to write a book of my own. Yes. I can make this happen (aka: "If you don't risk anything, you risk even more" Erica Jong).
So, my brain is shrunk. Now I'm working on my body! Hah!
Tuesday, October 10
Ten on Tuesday (is it Tuesday?)
1. I have just finished a report I've been procrastinating for about three weeks. *sigh*
2. I woke up this morning with the birds tweeting. This was a real pleasure, believe me. It could be that Tim stayed in his bed all night (first time in weeks) or it could be that summer is coming and it was light and tweety at 4.45.
3. When I woke up this morning, I silently thanked goodness that it was the weekend. Then I really woke up.
4. I don't like praying mantises (I have no idea how to do the plural of mantis). I was reminded of this again yesterday twice: once when I was journaling "what makes me afraid" for my All About Me album and once while being subjected to Ants (with advert breaks) again by Matt & Tim.
5. I watched my boys fighting at school this morning. I didn't intervene. I waited for their teacher (and my friend) to do her job. *sigh*
6. I have only just discovered coffee milkshakes. This is not good. All that time wasted, and my poor waist.
7. I am currently reading four books: The Lovely Bones, Down Under, Eats Shoots and Leaves (does it have a comma or not?) and Designer's Eye for Scrapbooking with Patterned Paper. It's quite a treat to get into bed and decide which one I'll fall asleep under.
8. I've remembered AGAIN that we haven't phoned Phil for his birthday. I keep remembering the next day... the evenings seem to whoosh past and we haven't phoned. Forgive us, Phil, if you read this.
9. Ant can say "no more" (quick and gruff). Poor boy, have we been overfeeding him?
10. I have a rainbow-coloured nail file on my desk. Which I use about twice a month. For emergencies only.
(springboard? edillow's blog.)
Wednesday, October 4
reasons to be glad
Travel writing (esp Bill Bryson)
Colour
Paper
A fire on a chilly winter night
Ham and cream cheese on a croissant for breakfast (what I'll eat everyday in Heaven)
Fresh, clean sheets on my bed
My husband calling me "my sunshine" (even if it did just rhyme with "1-time")
Friends who make me laugh
That Martha Beck "left the saints" and is writing books
There's a job out there for me that's worth doing and doing well
A winter sea
That shaft of sunlight that pierces the clouds and brightens the winter sea
Spier Chenin Blanc (and that it's only R22.95 a bottle)
Robertson's RubCab (and that it's only R18.95 a bottle)
A (relatively) conflict-free family
Sanity (even if it just alights briefly, like a butterfly)
Tuesday, September 26
I was going to blog something, but...
1. Heidi's having her bebe today. YAY YAY YAY, happy birth-day!
2. My order of Heidi Swapp chipboard letters and KI Memories mega-alphas has just come in (ordered on behalf of my favourite scrapbook shop) and I'm going to collect them today!
3. I went to Jhb yesterday to meet with our head office about "resource allocation" and I realised how undervalued I am and how little they know about me and my potential. This is a very good thing. Now I feel I can say "goodbye" AND "good riddance" (to head office, that is, I am still very attached to many of the people, and will probably be doing work with the East London office). It was really tough on me yesterday, like REALLY tough, but today I'm realising how I SO needed that. I repeat (for my self): this is a very good thing. I can feel it!
4. We're having a party. We're having a party. Invited lots of people and have no idea who's coming. Just lost track in a totally non-Virgo way. But that's ok. So sorry that some of our faraway friends and family aren't coming, but I've decided to put up a board for "absent friends" (tnx for inspiration, Heidi). Something a little quirky, eh? Totally unlike (the former) me, but I'm learning how to have fun.
5. I'm getting my first ever manicure today. Pressie from my lovely friend, Ali.
6. My mom and dad are looking after my tiny Ant today. Together. And doing my shopping for the party (a jolly long list). Together. And when I went to bed last night, they were drinking sherry. Together. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't want them to be "together" (in that old-fashioned euphemistic way), it's just so much easier for me when they just act like old friends. Because that's really what they are. There's some screwed up history, most of which I have little knowledge of and don't need know, but really, there's a lost friendship somewhere in there. It makes me feel good to think about that.
7. I got a call from Ali this morning, saying she loves the "crusty-communist flashing shoes" the boys are wearing today. They're gaudy and way too big for them, but they've got lights! They blink when the boys jump or walk or run. So much of this will be done today. Tee hee.
8. There was something really silly the boys said in the car this morning, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. It had a really cute rhyme. When I remember, or more likely, when Gareth remembers, I'll blog it.
So, there's a bunch of really random things. Just cos.
NOTE: This was Friday's post, emailed to blogger, but somehow got lost in the "tubes". Will be posting an update soonest.
Monday, September 18
twins - free to a good home
already have good vocab, almost house-trained and sleeping through the night
nutrition required: fish & chips, month's supply included
very entertaining and have many party tricks to entertain friends (possible
money-spinner)
best to go separately, as they tend to malfunction if together
both have violent outbursts, but regular experiments have shown that this is
due to proximity to other twin or to birth-mother (or both)
please apply in writing. packaging and postage covered by seller
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Tuesday, September 12
so much to say... so little wine
I've been reading another of Mom's wonderful emails (check link on left to
her blogspot), and it makes me want to write. Good writing begets good
writing (in more ways than one, eh?) Not that my writing's good, it's just
writing... And it's good for me.
I want to write about my Don't Come Monday letter (as in don't come 1st
Oct), and what my plans are about it. I want to write about my upcoming trip
to the UK and the planning for the Aus trip next year (The Wedding is on 7th
April). I want to tell you about our pending party. I want to write about my
children's foot and mouth ailments (notsobad!) I want to write about dreams
and desires and destinies. I want to write about two beautiful (in
completely different ways) books I'm reading (The Lovely Bones and The Joy
Diet). But for now, I shall tell you this:
Robertson's Ruby Cabernet (2005) is a wonderful wine. It's R18.95 at
Prestons, so definately a quaffer, but the second sip is better than the
first and the second glass better than the first and the second bottle...
you get the picture. It helps me solve my problems so well - the next
morning I've forgot the solutions, but that's ok, because I've forgotten the
problems (which is the ultimate solution). And I can get three CASES for the
price of a visit to my shrink ("cognitive therapy including play"), although
the medical aid rates do not include alcohol for medicinal purposes.
Dang, my 8 o'clock's here (at 8.24). Latah.
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Tuesday, September 5
in the car, this morning
Matt: (yelling something incomprehensible with a slight tune)
Tim: do you know another song? a jungle song?
Matt: yes: WOLF JUNGLE (loud, kinda like this: wolf JUUUNNNGGGGGULLLLLL)
pause
Tim: why is it such a short song?
Matt: umm.
Tim: it's a very short song
Matt: no. wolfjungle wolfjungle wolfjungle wolfJUUNNNNGGGULLLLL
Tim: ok
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Thursday, August 24
now check this...
Saw Dr Edeling this morning, and she's "chuffed" with outcome of op. I'm
seeing 4 lines further down on the chart and the cornea is clear (from
infection etc). I'm still not seeing better overall because of eyestrain
compensating for sore eye & still light sensitive, but at least things seem
to be moving in the right direction. This is good news. And good news I
needed. I was feeling very down last night, thinking about loss of vision,
loss of independence, loss of doing things I love (working huh? scrapbooking
reading). But this is a temporary setback towards getting to a better place.
And that's good.
And we have our auditors here, finally. Which is really good, because I can
finally start planning things like my trip to the UK (November), like
leaving Mvula and (possibly) getting another job, about taking some leave
when my Dad's here. They're a nice bunch - two ex-Hudsonians and a rather
silent Gauteng-er. And they're going on a field trip next week, *sigh* and I
can relax.
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Tuesday, August 22
clippity-clop
East London has mounted police. Do you know that? Previously I've seen them
in Bonza Bay, much to the delight of my boys, and I've seen them on the
Esplanade after gym. But now it seems Devereux Ave in on their circuit.
Today's the second day I've heard the delightful sound of clippity-clop and
peered out my window to get a glimpse of 5 policemen and their beautiful
mounts. Love that. Such a super tingle of unreality in the sea of figures
that's my job at the moment.
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he walks!
The Ant has started walking. And he is so thrilled with himself. Well, I
don't know if I'd call it actually walking, it's more like a hybrid between
staggering and launching. It goes like this:
His mom (kneeling on the floor) puts him at arm's length from her and says
"balance... balance." which he does with great concentration, looking at his
feet. Then she says "come come, walking, my boy." He looks up with a big
grin and takes about three or four steps towards her before launching into
her arms with great giggles. Then mom sweeps him up into the air with great
glee saying "clever boy, clever boy" to which he grins more and claps his
hands.
While writing this, I have a great grin on MY face... Such a sweet little
thing. This is good because I have auditors (relaxed) and a Financial
Director (spinning) with me today.
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Monday, August 21
cuddles with Tim
Now Timmy-Tiger is usually just a ball of energy, hardly able to sit down
for longer than about 10 minutes (even rivetted to Sinbad Sailing The Seven
Seas, he has to climb the couch and would swing from the chandeliers if we
had any). Recently he's taken to sneaking into my bed in the night. Now when
it's 3.15, I get a little annoyed (cos Ant's sleeping through and Tim's feet
are really really cold). But when it's 5.15 (the alarm goes off at 5.20)
then we're all cuddles. Tim keeps still for long enough for us to cuddle and
tickle and giggle. It's too marvelous. And this morning, I had that terrible
sense that one day he's not going to want the cuddles... so I must get in
all I can now.
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Friday, August 18
pirate (for a day & a half)
Eye op went fine on Wednesday (a little "fixup" of my corneal graft, left
eye, for those who didn't know...) The anethetist was rather sneaky... said
he was checking the IV and I awoke an hour & a half later. Very sneaky.
Didn't even get to count back from 100 to 97 like normal. Doctor is v happy
with outcome of op, although I can't see any better (wasn't expected, but a
little hope always remains!) Now she gets to pull out stitches here & there
to get the vision right. Looking forward to seeing better.
I think the most interesting was noting the reaction of my kids... Ant was
puzzled and didn't recognise me with my patch on. For about 10 minutes. Then
I couldn't get him away from it. Tim was like: "what's that?" then rushed
off to do his own thing, in a kinda "I'm sure she's going to be all right"
way. Now Matt. He wanted know EXACTLY what the doctor had done, where the
stitches were, what happened to my eye "in the beginning" and when (if) the
patch was going to come off. And he wanted to kiss it. A lot. And touch it.
Sweetie.
I've had much love while being one-eyed. I've got calls from China (the
happy travellers were actually standing on the Great Wall of China when the
called me), sms's from Australia, UK, Cape Town. My family's rallied. It's
been good. And I got to nap in the day. Wonderful.
Alas! back at work already, with auditors arriving (finally!) at 8am on
Monday.
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Monday, August 14
going grey gracefully
I always swore I'd go grey gracefully. That I would take it in my stride and
just accept it. Alas. My scalp is stinging and my shoulders are sore, from
trying to get out the grey (white?) in the bathroom at work. It's really
frustrating, cos they're easy to see (they are shorter and have a different
texture, kinda kinky), but so hard to get a hold of. Perhaps it's my bad
vision (attempts to fix it starting Wed this week), perhaps it's my
inability to operate in reverse in a mirror, or perhaps it's just fate. I
think I managed to get about three (got them out with folicle tags, so CSI
team can find out, with proof, who's going grey ungracefully in this
office), and managed to pull out about 5 others that weren't grey.
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Thursday, August 10
God-moments
I've had a couple of "there is a God" moments today. Once this morning, in
the haste and hecticness that is our early mornings, I struggled (as usual)
to lock our front door, carrying my gym bag & my handbag (mercifully, G had
carried everything else to the car, including three boy-bodies). I banged
and bashed and threw down my stuff in a huff, got it locked and swung around
on my smooth-soled shoes and thought about how irritable and irritating I
was. I looked up and saw the moon. Full and bright in the just-bluing
morning sky. And my first thought, well, not really a "thought" as such,
more like a "know" was: There is a God.
The other one was when I was listening to the radio on the way to work. An
Enrique (not my favourite) song came on, which has a line "You can run, you
can hide, but you can't escape my love" and it made me think again "There is
a God and he loves me". And his love is not like Enrique's, that expects
something in return. Like a trapping-kind of love. It's more a liberating
kind. You don't have do anything about it. You can choose to see it, or not.
But it's there.
Now, if you know me WELL, like I think only about, let's see, perhaps ONE of
you, then you'll know that most of my God-thoughts are usually in the region
of "Is there a God" or "Perhaps there's a God". Even in the height of my
Christianism, these were thoughts going on in my head. Those times were way
more about belonging that authenticity.
I hoping for more of these God-moments. They're especially good.
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Tuesday, August 8
Finding myself as a mother
The long and short of this rambling tale, is this: I didn't get angry. I didn't get exasperated. I (loving) repremanded my kids, using logic and their past experiences. No corporal punishment! No naughty chair or exclusion. And my kids were fine. Well, more than fine. I watched them distracting a younger boy from having a mini-meltdown about his mom leaving, by sharing their (slightly dysfunctional family of) lions with him. Adda boys!
And I kissed a nose (of boy with handgun), talked Spiderman down from a ledge and had a serious discussion with a tiny-tiny little girl (who I've never heard say anything before this than "ja"). Also reassured Mom-of-Spiderman that she's ok. And boys will be what boys will be.
Thursday, August 3
dramatic dreamin'
At last, the alarm went off, Gareth pressed the snooze button and I fell into the deepest sleep I'd had the whole night. And had the most magnificent dream (in full colour, specifically: green, various shades of pink and grey). It *almost* erased the memories of all the bad dreams. I won't share the full details here, but two things stuck out to me... In part of the dream, I was driving our whole family in a 4x4 across some seriously treacherous terrain. I was having a lot of trouble staying on the road. Gareth was watching the scenery ahead (a gorge with a river running through it, a downy-green mountain across the ravine and a pink & grey sunrise). He urged me to slow down and look at the scenery. I couldn't. I had to watch two metres ahead of me and concentrate really hard, just to stay on the road and keep us all safe. But he kept telling me the amazing views ahead. And I thought, that's ok, I can't really look ahead at the moment, because I'm concentrating on keeping me (us) on the road. And I've got Gareth to tell me about the beautiful things that are ahead (we did stop and walk further on and I got to enjoy the view). The other thing I was so sure of (at the end of the dream and in my waking), in feeling and in knowing, was that there is a God and he knows what he's doing. I haven't felt that kind of peace in a long while. In fact, I can't remember ever feeling that so strongly.
OK, now I know this is heavy stuff, but I needed to share. Partly just to remind myself that it was real. And those of you who know what's going on in my life at the moment, might just get a tiny glimpse of really relevant this dream is. But also, partly to remind myself, now and down the line, when things get more rocky, that even though I need to keep my eyes on the road, I have a man in my life who keeps telling my how good the scenery is and what beauty lies is ahead.
Friday, July 28
on being a mom of boys...
<slightly soppy alert>
These thoughts have very much been me for the last couple of weeks. I bumped into an old(ish) school mate who has just had a baby boy - her second babe, first boy. She said: "boys hold a special place in mommy's heart" to which I answered: "yes, I'm in love with all three of mine" and really meant it. It's amazing how such truth comes out from a spontaneous response. Yes, I'm in love with my boys. It means I take the bad with the good. I get angry but it doesn't make me love them any less. I tell them how I'm feeling, even if I'm sad or grumpy, cos that'll make better men out of them. Then it got me thinking about that "special place" and I think I've worked it out. When I look at my boys, I see a bit of my dad and a bit of Gareth. These are the
two men I love most in the whole world. No wonder I'm in love with these gorgeous boys of mine. And I've got a lot of lovin' to give. Endless capacity.
Thursday, July 27
some classics from the terrible twins
Matt on surfing:
Shupiwe: “Matthew if you hit your brother, Emma won’t teach you how to surf:
Matthew: “I don’t want to learn how to surf:
Shupiwe: “Why not Matt?”
Matthew: “Because you fall over. I don’t like falling over”
Latah………… Matt on Bakkie’s:
Matthew: “Shapiwe you are making me angry”
Shupiwe: “Why Matt?”
Matthew: “Just because. If you make me angry you cannot come in my bakkie”
Shupiwe (puzzled): “What bakkie Matt?”
Matthew: “I don’t need Emma to teach me how to surf. I am going to teach myself to surf. I am going to have a bakkie with four surf boards. One for me and one for you shapiwe and one for Tim”
Shupiwe (puzzled again): “Matt, who will use the fourth board?”
Matthew: “Umm…. Emma”
Latah Latah…………… Tim on Surfing:
Tim: “Shapiwe, Emma can teach ME how to surf”
Shupiwe: “Ok Tim. I will tell her.”
Tim: “But only when I am 43”
Shupiwe: “That might be difficult Tim. Emma will be about 70 then. And maybe you could start surfing when you are younger?”
Tim: “OK. When I am 65”
Latah latah latah………………….Tim on Love:
Tim: “Shapiwe I love you sooooooo many millions:
Shupiwe: “I love you too Tim. Who else do you love?”
Tim: “Ummm…… Emma.”
Shupiwe: “Do you love her millions?”
Tim: “No. Soooooo many millions”
Tim: “Shapiwe do you live in
Shupiwe: “No, Tim, I have told you before I live in Vincent. I was just visiting Emma in
Tim: “Does Grannie live in
Shupiwe (much laughter): “No Tim…..”
Tim: “So she is also visiting Emma’s hood?”
Shupiwe (dying with laughter now): “Yes Tim, Grannie is visiting Emma’s hood”
BTW our agenda (which is becoming a theme now – goes along with the endless ground rules….. terrible twins set both with some coercion..) for Saturday consisted of: 1. Puzzles, 2. Going to Cintsa to buy icing, 3. Making iced marie biscuits, and 4. Watching a video – we got to item 2 then they passed out! Must be the
Friday, July 14
Conversations with Matt in the morning
"cos it's nice there, matt, and it's from granny's hood and needs water"
"oh" he says "do you like green, mom"
"yes, it's my favourite colour"
"and purple's your favourite colour too"
"oh, is it? gosh, i didn't know that"
"yes!" he says "and pink too. all girls like pink"
I'm starting to say, "no not me, i don't have any pink clothes..." (etc) but he's now concentrating on weeing standing up (not easy to talk & aim)