Thinking about blogging again, or blogging about thinking again?

Far too long. Far far too long.
After about 45 min of figuring out what account I used to log-in with, resetting my password, figuring out that my google account wasn't actually my gmail account, etc etc etc, I am in.
Why blog again? Why think again? Perhaps because of the impact Casting Crowns' lyrics are having on me these days...
"The Altar And The Door"

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart

Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...

Cry, like so many times before
But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord
I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through
Between the altar and the door

Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What You've shown me to be right

I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me
Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me

A seriously civilized start to a day

Today, I’ve chosen to work “from home.” This is good. One reason is that I CAN (I have permission!) and the other that I can (boys sent to town with Gareth to their under-thanked, but totally indispensable grandparents). It still is to be seen whether I can, without diversion, do some work. So, to counter our “wild weather warning”, I’ve started a fire, have my slippers on and have a steaming mug of tea at my right elbow. And I can see the sea, crashing against the rocks at Glen Gariff.
This new job of mine started two weeks ago. With a British-based outfit called White, Young and Green International (dinkum!), affectionately called Young, Black and Gifted by many of its Bisho-bound associates. Yes, I have an office in Bhisho. It’s in that hideously inappropriately-coloured pink building. In the Dept of Treasury. We’re supporting a programme called Thina Sinako, and so far, so good. My biggest fear for this job is boredom, but knowing that upfront (thanks to Mvula), I am armed.
Anyone vaguely interested in my job can check it out here: www.thinasinako.co.za I’m in the Finance and Contracts Unit (FCU). Yes, I know.
So, now that I’m working, and have more time, I will endeavour to re-nurture my relationship with my blog. News of Australia and The Wedding to come. But, don’t hold your breath!

A mother's joy

Tim on the toilet this afternoon (went without prompting): “MOMMMMM. I made a poo on the TOILET!”
“Yay yay yay” (waving my hands and generally making a complete fool of myself) “That’s fabulous!”
“I made THREE poos. I heard three plops. Plop plop plop. No, no…” (obviously some thought going into this now) “No, it was FOUR plops! Cool, hey?”
“Wonderful, my boy. I am SO proud of you. You are such a big boy.”
“Can I have some smarties now?”

Let's talk about the weather

When you haven’t chatted to someone for a long time, and you’re feeling a bit guilty and awkward, it’s best to talk about the weather. Well, maybe not the best, but certainly the easiest.
The wind is howling here on the east coast. Yet again. The theme for this summer holiday has been: The Howling. It howls east and then after a slight 3.5 second lull, it howls south-west. Pretty miserable situation for those of us who love the beach and whose boys get serious cabin fever (which result in me yelling and then eating). I’ve just hung up the washing, as a “prize” for working for an hour (although only producing half a page of a report), and I think it’s dry already. From my green office, I can see three broken pegs on the ground and the sheets have wound themselves into knots, hanging on for dear life.
In other news: I’m reading a beautifully written book called “The Battersea Park Road to Enlightenment”. Thanks Isabel. You’re a beaute. And yes, I shall buy a copy of Men. In fact, I’m going to see if I can get it on pre-order. Do you think Amazon will have it yet?

just something quick

I'm in a very warm library with Heidi (they DO heating in this country!) with exactly 1 hour to internet. So I've checked my email (alas) and checked my regular blogs... and now I thought I'd drop something in here.
I've been having a very special time with Heidi and her family. Little Keira is the sweetest thing. A very contented baby full of smiles, and sleeps at the most convenient times (including at night!) I've formed a special connection with Kaityn, she's full of cuddles and has an endearing British accent. I'm so loving seeing the space she inhabits - the shops (Hobbycraft, yum) and the school and the roads and her lovely decidedly un-British house. Now I'll be able to picture her in her space when we email and chat.
Also got to see Annie & Mark (& Daniel). Wonderful to see old friends, and lovely to just pick up where we left off.
BUT: I'm so missing my boys. All of my boys. I dreamt about a house flooding last night and I was very anxious about getting all my boys out. I need to see them. And I'm quite desperate to see my Biggest Boy. Missing him so much. I think 10 days is long enough. Two weeks is a bit too long.

"Do I like smiles? Yes, but only if they are real and filled with life. And I also like tears. You see, truth is beautiful, no matter what the expression." Randy Bacon

A Cambridge-ish Tome (forgive me)

I have had the most wonderful day today, and should be settling down to do a little more work, but I'm feeling a "fluence" from a G&T at Eagles pub (Most Famous Pub in Cambridge, and quite delicious G with my T) and two glasses of Most Fine Australian Shiraz served to us at Henry's by a sweet polish bar lady (I couldn't work out whether she was 14 or 15, but gave her a fine tip anyway).
Cambridge has been a wonderful experience. It's been amazing to have the freedom to reconnect with Dad. No "little ones" needing my undivided (although I have missed them like my heart breaking slowly into tiny pieces, which I'll mail back to myself, first class mail). I love the anachronisms of walking out of Sainsbury's, with its long isles of 47 different flavours and fat-contents of yoh-ghurt and 11p spaghetti, and catching a glimpse of a 400+yr old academic college, complete with turrets, statues, neatly shaved grass (light green this way, dark green that way, how do they do this?) and stained glass. The round church is unique and beautiful. The japanese elm in the Emanual College Fellows' Garden is probably the biggest non-Hogsback-Big-Tree I've ever seen. And breathtakingly beautiful. I found myself taking photos of doors and windows and trees and grass and even bicycles, like a true scrapbooker / Japanese tourist. I wonder if I'll have the will, energy or time to create a scrapbook / travel journal?
I've had the Best Time browsing in bookstores - Waterstones, WH Smith, Rymans (ah, stationery...) and Borders. Bought the boys books on dinosaurs, slinky malinky & hairy mcclary, and some I-am-such-a-good-mother-and-teacher early learning books on writing and numeracy. Dad and I managed to find the Cheapest Plastic-Crap Dinosaurs in Western Europe (a mere £1 to the £13 at The Cambridge Toy Shop). At least I have managed to cross off item number one on the boys' long list of Things Mom Will Get Us in England (to appease her guilt and distract us from she'll-be-away-for-2-weeks). Items number two and three are a little hard to acquisite: "men" (I think this might be X-men or the typical action hero figures) and "blankets with snake on it" (not quite sure where this comes from and where I should find such things and even whether I want to).
I managed a cross-country journey (15min walk in 7.10am prewinter-cold - 2.5hr uncomfortable coach journey - run to Oxford train station, miss train by 12 seconds - wait twenty minutes for next train, smelling delicious Costa coffee but too snoep to pay R36 for cuppa - train trip to Banbury station - wait expectantly for Phil & Mel at Banbury, not really convinced I'm in the right place and pressing send on a SOS sms as I see their Vauxhall turning into the parking lot - 10 min chatter-car drive to their lovely spot) to visit Phil & Mel & Ben & Anna. Don't get me wrong, I don't for one single second regret the rather tedious trip to get to them. It was thoroughly wonderful to see their house (big! not like your typical middle-row, double storey hole most English live in), get a taste of "public school" life and get to know the Schonken kids just a little better. I loved Anna bringing me books to read (she, basically, read them to me, with her rabbits go "hop hop hop" - mind the spittle - and fish go "phlup phlup phlup") and fetching wooden train tracks one at a time to make a long and slightly drunken track for the trains. I, after 20 minutes, managed to decifer sweet-Ben's lispy talk, Pom accent and all, and thoroughly enjoyed engaging with him about CBB's website and the Tweenies. Boy, did I miss my boys, but nothing a bit of Schonken-free-5,000mile-telephone-chatter couldn't cure (how can you not melt when your boys say "Love you, Mom" even if prompted by your Most Excellent Husband?)
Tomorrow I'm onto my Best Mate... I get to meet Heidi's fresh-babe: Keira-Page (not hyphenated, me thinks, but I rather like it hyphenated). I get to play with Heidi at an open-air market full of scrapbooking supplies (so I'm promised), buy Christmas stuff i don't really need but can't resist from Tesco's (thank you, Mel) and salavate at all the homewear goods at Ikea (and probably lug a catalogue home to attempt with little success to replicate the "rooms").
OK. Time for bed. I need to earn money tomorrow, Vanharm's Believe or Not, and I plan to be at my desk at 8am.
Missing all at home and in far-away places (like Australia-mate... please come home quick, Mom).

Today's Interesting but Useless HInt: Sudoku is much easier to do after a couple of drinks, much like speaking Afrikaans, playing the piano and telling lame jokes.

off to the wild side

On Friday, I was asked by my "employer" if I'd assist with a 3-day workshop (Water Summit) for OR Tambo. I'm like: "when?" (next week). Think think think. Nothing on (except a wax), but momsie's leaving on Friday. I say "Um?" They say "It's at the Wild Coast Sun." I hold my tongue in order to play hard-to-get, while thinking "YES YES YES". Instead I say "So what do you want me to do? I don't do secretariate." Ends up that I'm facilitating some group work and plenary sessions (good learning experience) and will be assisting with drawing up the final report (at R400/hr!, but alas, not for me.)
As of next month, my employer will be Ms KA van Harmelen. She's not easy to work for, but she understands me. This is good. She's already given me my November workplan: a research project into financial modelling in municipalities, then 2 weeks' paid trip to the UK (I like this woman), then some training (ETD Practioner). I think this could work.

bloody blogger (aka "More Good Shrink Time")

(Disclaimer: this was emailed to my blog on Thursday... it's yet to appear. So here it is "manually")

Yes, I did nearly call him my "shrink" to his face, but I could see the twinkle in his eye... he doesn't mind people calling him "shrink". Just one of my "routine" visits but I had to confess that I hadn't taken the drugs he'd prescribed last time I was there (mood stabilizers). Oops. Meant to phone, but didn't...
Things are much better with me, and here is some of the evidence:
1. I laugh more than I cry when I'm in his office (and it's not nervous or hysterical laughter)
2. I've got friends. No, really, I have! We were looking back to January, when I first saw him, and he'd asked about friends. I said I have one close one, but she's in the UK. We email. Now I've got tons. Love love LOVE my girlfriends, in the form of Book Club Girls, Gym Girls, Scrapbooking Girls, eFriends and two who merit "special mention": Ali and Shupiwe. They can certainly take some credit for my improved sanity.
3. We had a party and invited a bunch of people. It was MY idea and it was very cool.
4. I'm enjoying exercise and giving it some credit for being more Seratonin-sunny and Dopamine-dilly.
5. I'm being retrenched, and happy about it. It's going to give me time to find something I'm more passionate about.
6. I have been talking about depression and giving my medication (Venlor 150mg) some credit for helping me through. This is demystifying this "disease" for me and for others around me.
7. I'm reading. I'm reading FOUR books at the moment (he says to me: "how do you read for books at once?"). Now that's the old me. I can't remember reading a SINGLE book last year. Oh, BTW, if you haven't read "The Time Traveller's Wife", read it.
8. I did a scrapbook workshop on Saturday with Ali, called the "ABC of me" album. It went very very well. I was flat by the end of it, probably from exhaustion and all the giving, but we both received the most beautiful sms's about it afterwards. And we're running a kykweer in a few weeks time for those who feel they've missed out. Good stuff. I have tons of idea about more workshops, too.
9. My "down times" are no longer amorphous. I can name them, I can (usually) identify the cause, and I have skills and strategies to deal with them.
10. I'm planning to write a book of my own. Yes. I can make this happen (aka: "If you don't risk anything, you risk even more" Erica Jong).
So, my brain is shrunk. Now I'm working on my body! Hah!

Ten on Tuesday (is it Tuesday?)

Just some randomness for your edification / entertainment / boredom-beater:
1. I have just finished a report I've been procrastinating for about three weeks. *sigh*
2. I woke up this morning with the birds tweeting. This was a real pleasure, believe me. It could be that Tim stayed in his bed all night (first time in weeks) or it could be that summer is coming and it was light and tweety at 4.45.
3. When I woke up this morning, I silently thanked goodness that it was the weekend. Then I really woke up.
4. I don't like praying mantises (I have no idea how to do the plural of mantis). I was reminded of this again yesterday twice: once when I was journaling "what makes me afraid" for my All About Me album and once while being subjected to Ants (with advert breaks) again by Matt & Tim.
5. I watched my boys fighting at school this morning. I didn't intervene. I waited for their teacher (and my friend) to do her job. *sigh*
6. I have only just discovered coffee milkshakes. This is not good. All that time wasted, and my poor waist.
7. I am currently reading four books: The Lovely Bones, Down Under, Eats Shoots and Leaves (does it have a comma or not?) and Designer's Eye for Scrapbooking with Patterned Paper. It's quite a treat to get into bed and decide which one I'll fall asleep under.
8. I've remembered AGAIN that we haven't phoned Phil for his birthday. I keep remembering the next day... the evenings seem to whoosh past and we haven't phoned. Forgive us, Phil, if you read this.
9. Ant can say "no more" (quick and gruff). Poor boy, have we been overfeeding him?
10. I have a rainbow-coloured nail file on my desk. Which I use about twice a month. For emergencies only.
(springboard? edillow's blog.)

reasons to be glad

A dear friend, and perhaps relation in another life, gave me a beautiful book called "100 reasons to be glad". The encouragement is to make your own... Here are some of mine. There'll be more.

 

Travel writing (esp Bill Bryson)

Colour

Paper

A fire on a chilly winter night

Ham and cream cheese on a croissant for breakfast (what I'll eat everyday in Heaven)

Fresh, clean sheets on my bed

My husband calling me "my sunshine" (even if it did just rhyme with "1-time")

Friends who make me laugh

That Martha Beck "left the saints" and is writing books 

There's a job  out there for me that's worth doing and doing well 

A winter sea

That shaft of sunlight that pierces the clouds and brightens the winter sea

Spier Chenin Blanc (and that it's only R22.95 a bottle)

Robertson's RubCab (and that it's only R18.95 a bottle)

A (relatively) conflict-free family

Sanity (even if it just alights briefly, like a butterfly) 

I was going to blog something, but...

I can't remember what. Well, not exactly what. So...
1. Heidi's having her bebe today. YAY YAY YAY, happy birth-day!
2. My order of Heidi Swapp chipboard letters and KI Memories mega-alphas has just come in (ordered on behalf of my favourite scrapbook shop) and I'm going to collect them today!
3. I went to Jhb yesterday to meet with our head office about "resource allocation" and I realised how undervalued I am and how little they know about me and my potential. This is a very good thing. Now I feel I can say "goodbye" AND "good riddance" (to head office, that is, I am still very attached to many of the people, and will probably be doing work with the East London office). It was really tough on me yesterday, like REALLY tough, but today I'm realising how I SO needed that. I repeat (for my self): this is a very good thing. I can feel it!
4. We're having a party. We're having a party. Invited lots of people and have no idea who's coming. Just lost track in a totally non-Virgo way. But that's ok. So sorry that some of our faraway friends and family aren't coming, but I've decided to put up a board for "absent friends" (tnx for inspiration, Heidi). Something a little quirky, eh? Totally unlike (the former) me, but I'm learning how to have fun.
5. I'm getting my first ever manicure today. Pressie from my lovely friend, Ali.
6. My mom and dad are looking after my tiny Ant today. Together. And doing my shopping for the party (a jolly long list). Together. And when I went to bed last night, they were drinking sherry. Together. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't want them to be "together" (in that old-fashioned euphemistic way), it's just so much easier for me when they just act like old friends. Because that's really what they are. There's some screwed up history, most of which I have little knowledge of and don't need know, but really, there's a lost friendship somewhere in there. It makes me feel good to think about that.
7. I got a call from Ali this morning, saying she loves the "crusty-communist flashing shoes" the boys are wearing today. They're gaudy and way too big for them, but they've got lights! They blink when the boys jump or walk or run. So much of this will be done today. Tee hee.
8. There was something really silly the boys said in the car this morning, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. It had a really cute rhyme. When I remember, or more likely, when Gareth remembers, I'll blog it.
So, there's a bunch of really random things. Just cos.
NOTE: This was Friday's post, emailed to blogger, but somehow got lost in the "tubes". Will be posting an update soonest.

twins - free to a good home

already have good vocab, almost house-trained and sleeping through the night
nutrition required: fish & chips, month's supply included
very entertaining and have many party tricks to entertain friends (possible
money-spinner)
best to go separately, as they tend to malfunction if together
both have violent outbursts, but regular experiments have shown that this is
due to proximity to other twin or to birth-mother (or both)
please apply in writing. packaging and postage covered by seller

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so much to say... so little wine

I've been reading another of Mom's wonderful emails (check link on left to
her blogspot), and it makes me want to write. Good writing begets good
writing (in more ways than one, eh?) Not that my writing's good, it's just
writing... And it's good for me.
I want to write about my Don't Come Monday letter (as in don't come 1st
Oct), and what my plans are about it. I want to write about my upcoming trip
to the UK and the planning for the Aus trip next year (The Wedding is on 7th
April). I want to tell you about our pending party. I want to write about my
children's foot and mouth ailments (notsobad!) I want to write about dreams
and desires and destinies. I want to write about two beautiful (in
completely different ways) books I'm reading (The Lovely Bones and The Joy
Diet). But for now, I shall tell you this:
Robertson's Ruby Cabernet (2005) is a wonderful wine. It's R18.95 at
Prestons, so definately a quaffer, but the second sip is better than the
first and the second glass better than the first and the second bottle...
you get the picture. It helps me solve my problems so well - the next
morning I've forgot the solutions, but that's ok, because I've forgotten the
problems (which is the ultimate solution). And I can get three CASES for the
price of a visit to my shrink ("cognitive therapy including play"), although
the medical aid rates do not include alcohol for medicinal purposes.
Dang, my 8 o'clock's here (at 8.24). Latah.
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in the car, this morning

Matt: (yelling something incomprehensible with a slight tune)
Tim: do you know another song? a jungle song?
Matt: yes: WOLF JUNGLE (loud, kinda like this: wolf JUUUNNNGGGGGULLLLLL)
pause
Tim: why is it such a short song?
Matt: umm.
Tim: it's a very short song
Matt: no. wolfjungle wolfjungle wolfjungle wolfJUUNNNNGGGULLLLL
Tim: ok
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now check this...

Saw Dr Edeling this morning, and she's "chuffed" with outcome of op. I'm
seeing 4 lines further down on the chart and the cornea is clear (from
infection etc). I'm still not seeing better overall because of eyestrain
compensating for sore eye & still light sensitive, but at least things seem
to be moving in the right direction. This is good news. And good news I
needed. I was feeling very down last night, thinking about loss of vision,
loss of independence, loss of doing things I love (working huh? scrapbooking
reading). But this is a temporary setback towards getting to a better place.
And that's good.
And we have our auditors here, finally. Which is really good, because I can
finally start planning things like my trip to the UK (November), like
leaving Mvula and (possibly) getting another job, about taking some leave
when my Dad's here. They're a nice bunch - two ex-Hudsonians and a rather
silent Gauteng-er. And they're going on a field trip next week, *sigh* and I
can relax.
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clippity-clop

East London has mounted police. Do you know that? Previously I've seen them
in Bonza Bay, much to the delight of my boys, and I've seen them on the
Esplanade after gym. But now it seems Devereux Ave in on their circuit.
Today's the second day I've heard the delightful sound of clippity-clop and
peered out my window to get a glimpse of 5 policemen and their beautiful
mounts. Love that. Such a super tingle of unreality in the sea of figures
that's my job at the moment.
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he walks!

The Ant has started walking. And he is so thrilled with himself. Well, I
don't know if I'd call it actually walking, it's more like a hybrid between
staggering and launching. It goes like this:
His mom (kneeling on the floor) puts him at arm's length from her and says
"balance... balance." which he does with great concentration, looking at his
feet. Then she says "come come, walking, my boy." He looks up with a big
grin and takes about three or four steps towards her before launching into
her arms with great giggles. Then mom sweeps him up into the air with great
glee saying "clever boy, clever boy" to which he grins more and claps his
hands.
While writing this, I have a great grin on MY face... Such a sweet little
thing. This is good because I have auditors (relaxed) and a Financial
Director (spinning) with me today.
--
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cuddles with Tim

Now Timmy-Tiger is usually just a ball of energy, hardly able to sit down
for longer than about 10 minutes (even rivetted to Sinbad Sailing The Seven
Seas, he has to climb the couch and would swing from the chandeliers if we
had any). Recently he's taken to sneaking into my bed in the night. Now when
it's 3.15, I get a little annoyed (cos Ant's sleeping through and Tim's feet
are really really cold). But when it's 5.15 (the alarm goes off at 5.20)
then we're all cuddles. Tim keeps still for long enough for us to cuddle and
tickle and giggle. It's too marvelous. And this morning, I had that terrible
sense that one day he's not going to want the cuddles... so I must get in
all I can now.
--
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pirate (for a day & a half)

Eye op went fine on Wednesday (a little "fixup" of my corneal graft, left
eye, for those who didn't know...) The anethetist was rather sneaky... said
he was checking the IV and I awoke an hour & a half later. Very sneaky.
Didn't even get to count back from 100 to 97 like normal. Doctor is v happy
with outcome of op, although I can't see any better (wasn't expected, but a
little hope always remains!) Now she gets to pull out stitches here & there
to get the vision right. Looking forward to seeing better.
I think the most interesting was noting the reaction of my kids... Ant was
puzzled and didn't recognise me with my patch on. For about 10 minutes. Then
I couldn't get him away from it. Tim was like: "what's that?" then rushed
off to do his own thing, in a kinda "I'm sure she's going to be all right"
way. Now Matt. He wanted know EXACTLY what the doctor had done, where the
stitches were, what happened to my eye "in the beginning" and when (if) the
patch was going to come off. And he wanted to kiss it. A lot. And touch it.
Sweetie.
I've had much love while being one-eyed. I've got calls from China (the
happy travellers were actually standing on the Great Wall of China when the
called me), sms's from Australia, UK, Cape Town. My family's rallied. It's
been good. And I got to nap in the day. Wonderful.
Alas! back at work already, with auditors arriving (finally!) at 8am on
Monday.
--
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going grey gracefully

I always swore I'd go grey gracefully. That I would take it in my stride and
just accept it. Alas. My scalp is stinging and my shoulders are sore, from
trying to get out the grey (white?) in the bathroom at work. It's really
frustrating, cos they're easy to see (they are shorter and have a different
texture, kinda kinky), but so hard to get a hold of. Perhaps it's my bad
vision (attempts to fix it starting Wed this week), perhaps it's my
inability to operate in reverse in a mirror, or perhaps it's just fate. I
think I managed to get about three (got them out with folicle tags, so CSI
team can find out, with proof, who's going grey ungracefully in this
office), and managed to pull out about 5 others that weren't grey.
--
Internal Virus Database is out-of-date.
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