Wednesday, October 8
new musica from London
Found me some new music in London. Lovely stuff. Bought THREE (no less!) CDs of Tim Hughes - worship leader at HTB (Holy Trinity Brompton). Was just so blown away by the worship there, and remembered how much I missed it, that I decided to bring some home with me!! Then also got the new Chris Tomlin ("Hello Love") for Clare (which she will share with me, of course!) and the new Brenton Brown, which I haven't listened to yet... Wow. New lease on the driving-to-Bhisho life!! Too cool.
Tuesday, September 9
Monday, September 8
me? i'd like a double portion of ordinarycourage, thanks.
Read Ali E's blog today, and am just loving that she linked to http://ordinarycourage.squarespace.com/my-blog/ This is an awesome mom. Gimme somma dat!
Monday, August 25
Kerry's not-so-profound thought for today...
From Proverbs 31v12 (about a wife to her husband):
"She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life."
"She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life."
Sunday, August 24
Inhabiting THIS place
So I’ve been thinking about blogging again… it’s been a while now, and I thought maybe to put on my facebook status “Kerry’s been thinking about blogging again, or is it, blogging about thinking again”… But didn’t because this would (perhaps) give it unwanted attention, or unwanted accountability. Or perhaps it was me just trying to look clever with words. Ack. So, I make an appearance again in the blogosphere. Why? Perhaps accountability (but not really, no, cos I don’t expect those who would “hold me accountable” would be reading)… Perhaps accountability to myself. This seems more like it. Esp given my somewhat-defective memory. Perhaps accountability to God, but then He can see right in, so writing stuff down doesn’t make me any more accountable to Him. Although, somehow it asdd substance to commitments, beliefs, understandings… Perhaps just expression. Perhaps need to be heard (but by who? And why?) So, now I quit analyzing (as I do ad infinitum), and get on with it. (Oh, and I forgot to mention the giggle I had at reading on Living Proof Ministries’ blog: “We blog by faith. Not by sight”. Tee hee.
This morning started with the need to capture my prayer as I was face-down this morning (ala Beth Moore, Stepping Up, which this blog with give more voice to, surely): “Lord, You are big and I am small. You are able, I am unable. You are the uncreated One, I am created. You are able, I am so often unable. You are good. It is just Your good that is in me. Work in me. Do Your thing. Have Your way.” And getting up, cos I’ve started thinking about the need for shake-n’-vac for the carpet & the need to draw money to repay debts, I get on with Stepping Up with Beth. The prayer is profound to me, cos I’m not that “good at” praying (clearly, by my own somewhat warped standards, of course) and because it says much of where I’m at at the moment. Needing to trust God more. Needing to acknowledge Him more, in how I’m managing my current space.
Stepping Up is another one of Beth Moore’s brilliant bible studies. Well, brilliant to me & my space, currently. They just reach me. So bible-based – getting into the meat of scripture, delving into the Hebrew & the Greek to get the real word/words. And then applying it so rationally and relationshiply and relevantly. And even occasionally appealing to the English-teacherness in me (see my alliteration? Cool, eh? Even if “relationshiply isn’t a real word!)
Today’s Beth-homework (which is what we affectionately call it at Cell), week 2, day 1, Ps 122, touched me because it reminded me of how I’m learning to manage this place I’m in, at the moment… The “living in the now” mentality which is working so well for me. In Ps 122, the pilgrims pray for the peace of Jerusalem, and Beth brought us to a place of praying for our city (mine, I dare say is actually Bhisho, I spend more waking hours there than any place else currently), and being at peace in our place and praying for it… The parallel drawn with Jer 29v4-7 did it for me, particularly the verse: “And seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive and pray to the Lord for it; for in its peace you will have peace.”
But here’s where I stopped drawing the physical parallel and started drawing the emotional-spiritual parallel (as I do)… This place of separation from Gareth, to where God as “caused me to be carried away” (ie not necessarily caused, but rather allowed to happen)… this is the “city” in which I am now living. And this is where I should do as I would normally do (per Jer 29v4), make peace with it, make peace with others in it (per Ps 122v9). I think this is the “living in the now” mentality which God is teaching me. And which I’m learning. It’s ok right here. When I focus on the past (& the failings of our marriage there), then I feel depressed, regretful, betrayed. When I focus on the unknown of the future (the quite real possibility of divorce & single parenting), then I feel scared, angry, unable. But when I focus on the now, as I’ve been learning to do in fits and starts, it’s ok. God is here. My boys are here and they are (seemingly) quite secure and happy. I am here, which a bunch of really good girlfriends around me, supporting me where & when they can. So this place is ok. In fact, it’s mostly all good. Now I need to inhabit here, and dare I say even prosper here. Do as I would do. Play nesting in granny’s “new flat”. Get on with building relationships with my boys and growing with them into emotionally-enabled people. Work with my insecurities; find security in my God and His unfailingness. Continue to lose weight and be good at my job. Do some gardening. Just get on with it.
This morning started with the need to capture my prayer as I was face-down this morning (ala Beth Moore, Stepping Up, which this blog with give more voice to, surely): “Lord, You are big and I am small. You are able, I am unable. You are the uncreated One, I am created. You are able, I am so often unable. You are good. It is just Your good that is in me. Work in me. Do Your thing. Have Your way.” And getting up, cos I’ve started thinking about the need for shake-n’-vac for the carpet & the need to draw money to repay debts, I get on with Stepping Up with Beth. The prayer is profound to me, cos I’m not that “good at” praying (clearly, by my own somewhat warped standards, of course) and because it says much of where I’m at at the moment. Needing to trust God more. Needing to acknowledge Him more, in how I’m managing my current space.
Stepping Up is another one of Beth Moore’s brilliant bible studies. Well, brilliant to me & my space, currently. They just reach me. So bible-based – getting into the meat of scripture, delving into the Hebrew & the Greek to get the real word/words. And then applying it so rationally and relationshiply and relevantly. And even occasionally appealing to the English-teacherness in me (see my alliteration? Cool, eh? Even if “relationshiply isn’t a real word!)
Today’s Beth-homework (which is what we affectionately call it at Cell), week 2, day 1, Ps 122, touched me because it reminded me of how I’m learning to manage this place I’m in, at the moment… The “living in the now” mentality which is working so well for me. In Ps 122, the pilgrims pray for the peace of Jerusalem, and Beth brought us to a place of praying for our city (mine, I dare say is actually Bhisho, I spend more waking hours there than any place else currently), and being at peace in our place and praying for it… The parallel drawn with Jer 29v4-7 did it for me, particularly the verse: “And seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive and pray to the Lord for it; for in its peace you will have peace.”
But here’s where I stopped drawing the physical parallel and started drawing the emotional-spiritual parallel (as I do)… This place of separation from Gareth, to where God as “caused me to be carried away” (ie not necessarily caused, but rather allowed to happen)… this is the “city” in which I am now living. And this is where I should do as I would normally do (per Jer 29v4), make peace with it, make peace with others in it (per Ps 122v9). I think this is the “living in the now” mentality which God is teaching me. And which I’m learning. It’s ok right here. When I focus on the past (& the failings of our marriage there), then I feel depressed, regretful, betrayed. When I focus on the unknown of the future (the quite real possibility of divorce & single parenting), then I feel scared, angry, unable. But when I focus on the now, as I’ve been learning to do in fits and starts, it’s ok. God is here. My boys are here and they are (seemingly) quite secure and happy. I am here, which a bunch of really good girlfriends around me, supporting me where & when they can. So this place is ok. In fact, it’s mostly all good. Now I need to inhabit here, and dare I say even prosper here. Do as I would do. Play nesting in granny’s “new flat”. Get on with building relationships with my boys and growing with them into emotionally-enabled people. Work with my insecurities; find security in my God and His unfailingness. Continue to lose weight and be good at my job. Do some gardening. Just get on with it.
Tuesday, April 29
Safe & Sound
No more boarding up my windows
So that I can lay low
Nobody’s home
No more trying to run away from
Tired of being afraid of
What I can’t control
The hardest part I’m always told
Is letting go
Safe and sound knowing that you’re big enough to
wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me
I can finally set my heart free
Lost within the mystery
Of this love I’ve found
There is nothing that can pull me
From the hand that holds me
I’m safe and sound
The hardest part I’m always told
Is letting go
Bridge
The greatest part now I know
Is letting go
From MercyMe's album: Coming up to breathe (thanks, Clare)
Emphasis my own!
So that I can lay low
Nobody’s home
No more trying to run away from
Tired of being afraid of
What I can’t control
The hardest part I’m always told
Is letting go
Safe and sound knowing that you’re big enough to
wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me
I can finally set my heart free
Lost within the mystery
Of this love I’ve found
There is nothing that can pull me
From the hand that holds me
I’m safe and sound
The hardest part I’m always told
Is letting go
Bridge
The greatest part now I know
Is letting go
From MercyMe's album: Coming up to breathe (thanks, Clare)
Emphasis my own!
Friday, April 11
Troll Patrol
Once upon a time there were four trolls. They were ugly and smelly and their mothers dressed them funny. They liked to visit a little girl called Kerry... Sometimes she invited them to visit and sometimes she didn't. But visit they would.
There names were Depression, Regret, Worry and Deep-Dark-Deceit.
Depression was closest to the little girl. She had slowly come to accept her relationship with the troll, Depression. Besides, they discovered recently that they were related (one of those distant difficult-to-understand family relative-relationships. Perhaps a cousin-removed?) While the relationship wasn't a happy one, she realised she could live with it and would they would drink herbal tea together when they were feeling really, really sad.
The troll called Regret was not a very frequent visitor, and most times the little girl would ask him to leave as soon as he arrived. However, when Depression was already visiting, Regret would insist to stay, and they would drink tea and eat anything they laid their eyes on (for about 4 days, until the little girl called in reinforcements to forceably remove the troll: Regret).
Worry mostly visited the little girl in the night, in her little warm wooden house. He'd talk to her softly when she was trying to sleep, until she'd either drug him to keep him quiet or write down what he was saying and put it, folded neatly, into her green book to think about another day. Worry started to feel unwelcome, a more sensitive soul than Regret, and his visits dwindled to just a couple a week.
Now Deep-Dark-Deceit was the ugliest of them all (yes, someone should really have talked his mother out of that name; even DDD for short isn't that short). Warts on his nose and more body-odour than a camel. And he'd snort, loud and gross. The little girl smelt him coming long before he actually arrived, but she just used a little air freshner and assumed Worry and Depression were playing daytime-tricks on her. When he finally did arrive, he was so ugly and so smelly that it made the little girl cry. She asked all her friends and family (and an occasional psychologist, good ones not in short supply in this fairytale) to help her understand why he'd chosen to visit her. She felt she had enough trolls for one little girl. She managed to deal with him that first time and asked him very firmly to return to where he came from. She thought he had. But alas. He was lurking. Waiting. And hiding, very well (as is his very nature). She could still smell him, but thought it was just the lack of air conditioning in her little wooden house and that the other trolls were just playing more tricks on her. The smell was too bad though, and once she decided to look for him in earnest, and found him. Under her bed. Mouldering slightly, and with a big grin on his face.
She's been watching him under there for a few days, now, and hasn't quite worked out how to deal with him. She's been building up her strength and gathering her allies to get him out of there. She understands that his smell might stay for a very long time after she's removed this bad troll (and removed he will), but she is determined. Intentional.
This story doesn't have an end yet. It's a work-in-progress, ambling in its own time towards a happy ending...
There names were Depression, Regret, Worry and Deep-Dark-Deceit.
Depression was closest to the little girl. She had slowly come to accept her relationship with the troll, Depression. Besides, they discovered recently that they were related (one of those distant difficult-to-understand family relative-relationships. Perhaps a cousin-removed?) While the relationship wasn't a happy one, she realised she could live with it and would they would drink herbal tea together when they were feeling really, really sad.
The troll called Regret was not a very frequent visitor, and most times the little girl would ask him to leave as soon as he arrived. However, when Depression was already visiting, Regret would insist to stay, and they would drink tea and eat anything they laid their eyes on (for about 4 days, until the little girl called in reinforcements to forceably remove the troll: Regret).
Worry mostly visited the little girl in the night, in her little warm wooden house. He'd talk to her softly when she was trying to sleep, until she'd either drug him to keep him quiet or write down what he was saying and put it, folded neatly, into her green book to think about another day. Worry started to feel unwelcome, a more sensitive soul than Regret, and his visits dwindled to just a couple a week.
Now Deep-Dark-Deceit was the ugliest of them all (yes, someone should really have talked his mother out of that name; even DDD for short isn't that short). Warts on his nose and more body-odour than a camel. And he'd snort, loud and gross. The little girl smelt him coming long before he actually arrived, but she just used a little air freshner and assumed Worry and Depression were playing daytime-tricks on her. When he finally did arrive, he was so ugly and so smelly that it made the little girl cry. She asked all her friends and family (and an occasional psychologist, good ones not in short supply in this fairytale) to help her understand why he'd chosen to visit her. She felt she had enough trolls for one little girl. She managed to deal with him that first time and asked him very firmly to return to where he came from. She thought he had. But alas. He was lurking. Waiting. And hiding, very well (as is his very nature). She could still smell him, but thought it was just the lack of air conditioning in her little wooden house and that the other trolls were just playing more tricks on her. The smell was too bad though, and once she decided to look for him in earnest, and found him. Under her bed. Mouldering slightly, and with a big grin on his face.
She's been watching him under there for a few days, now, and hasn't quite worked out how to deal with him. She's been building up her strength and gathering her allies to get him out of there. She understands that his smell might stay for a very long time after she's removed this bad troll (and removed he will), but she is determined. Intentional.
This story doesn't have an end yet. It's a work-in-progress, ambling in its own time towards a happy ending...
Thursday, March 27
Thinking about blogging again, or blogging about thinking again?
Far too long. Far far too long.
After about 45 min of figuring out what account I used to log-in with, resetting my password, figuring out that my google account wasn't actually my gmail account, etc etc etc, I am in.
Why blog again? Why think again? Perhaps because of the impact Casting Crowns' lyrics are having on me these days...
"The Altar And The Door"
Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart
Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...
Cry, like so many times before
But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord
I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through
Between the altar and the door
Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What You've shown me to be right
I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me
Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me
After about 45 min of figuring out what account I used to log-in with, resetting my password, figuring out that my google account wasn't actually my gmail account, etc etc etc, I am in.
Why blog again? Why think again? Perhaps because of the impact Casting Crowns' lyrics are having on me these days...
"The Altar And The Door"
Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart
Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...
Cry, like so many times before
But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord
I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through
Between the altar and the door
Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white
How could I ever falter
What You've shown me to be right
I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me
Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me
Monday, May 21
A seriously civilized start to a day
Today, I’ve chosen to work “from home.” This is good. One reason is that I CAN (I have permission!) and the other that I can (boys sent to town with Gareth to their under-thanked, but totally indispensable grandparents). It still is to be seen whether I can, without diversion, do some work. So, to counter our “wild weather warning”, I’ve started a fire, have my slippers on and have a steaming mug of tea at my right elbow. And I can see the sea, crashing against the rocks at Glen Gariff.
This new job of mine started two weeks ago. With a British-based outfit called White, Young and Green International (dinkum!), affectionately called Young, Black and Gifted by many of its Bisho-bound associates. Yes, I have an office in Bhisho. It’s in that hideously inappropriately-coloured pink building. In the Dept of Treasury. We’re supporting a programme called Thina Sinako, and so far, so good. My biggest fear for this job is boredom, but knowing that upfront (thanks to Mvula), I am armed.
Anyone vaguely interested in my job can check it out here: www.thinasinako.co.za I’m in the Finance and Contracts Unit (FCU). Yes, I know.
So, now that I’m working, and have more time, I will endeavour to re-nurture my relationship with my blog. News of Australia and The Wedding to come. But, don’t hold your breath!
This new job of mine started two weeks ago. With a British-based outfit called White, Young and Green International (dinkum!), affectionately called Young, Black and Gifted by many of its Bisho-bound associates. Yes, I have an office in Bhisho. It’s in that hideously inappropriately-coloured pink building. In the Dept of Treasury. We’re supporting a programme called Thina Sinako, and so far, so good. My biggest fear for this job is boredom, but knowing that upfront (thanks to Mvula), I am armed.
Anyone vaguely interested in my job can check it out here: www.thinasinako.co.za I’m in the Finance and Contracts Unit (FCU). Yes, I know.
So, now that I’m working, and have more time, I will endeavour to re-nurture my relationship with my blog. News of Australia and The Wedding to come. But, don’t hold your breath!
Monday, February 5
A mother's joy
Tim on the toilet this afternoon (went without prompting): “MOMMMMM. I made a poo on the TOILET!”
“Yay yay yay” (waving my hands and generally making a complete fool of myself) “That’s fabulous!”
“I made THREE poos. I heard three plops. Plop plop plop. No, no…” (obviously some thought going into this now) “No, it was FOUR plops! Cool, hey?”
“Wonderful, my boy. I am SO proud of you. You are such a big boy.”
“Can I have some smarties now?”
“Yay yay yay” (waving my hands and generally making a complete fool of myself) “That’s fabulous!”
“I made THREE poos. I heard three plops. Plop plop plop. No, no…” (obviously some thought going into this now) “No, it was FOUR plops! Cool, hey?”
“Wonderful, my boy. I am SO proud of you. You are such a big boy.”
“Can I have some smarties now?”
Thursday, January 11
Let's talk about the weather
When you haven’t chatted to someone for a long time, and you’re feeling a bit guilty and awkward, it’s best to talk about the weather. Well, maybe not the best, but certainly the easiest.
The wind is howling here on the east coast. Yet again. The theme for this summer holiday has been: The Howling. It howls east and then after a slight 3.5 second lull, it howls south-west. Pretty miserable situation for those of us who love the beach and whose boys get serious cabin fever (which result in me yelling and then eating). I’ve just hung up the washing, as a “prize” for working for an hour (although only producing half a page of a report), and I think it’s dry already. From my green office, I can see three broken pegs on the ground and the sheets have wound themselves into knots, hanging on for dear life.
In other news: I’m reading a beautifully written book called “The Battersea Park Road to Enlightenment”. Thanks Isabel. You’re a beaute. And yes, I shall buy a copy of Men. In fact, I’m going to see if I can get it on pre-order. Do you think Amazon will have it yet?
The wind is howling here on the east coast. Yet again. The theme for this summer holiday has been: The Howling. It howls east and then after a slight 3.5 second lull, it howls south-west. Pretty miserable situation for those of us who love the beach and whose boys get serious cabin fever (which result in me yelling and then eating). I’ve just hung up the washing, as a “prize” for working for an hour (although only producing half a page of a report), and I think it’s dry already. From my green office, I can see three broken pegs on the ground and the sheets have wound themselves into knots, hanging on for dear life.
In other news: I’m reading a beautifully written book called “The Battersea Park Road to Enlightenment”. Thanks Isabel. You’re a beaute. And yes, I shall buy a copy of Men. In fact, I’m going to see if I can get it on pre-order. Do you think Amazon will have it yet?
Tuesday, November 21
just something quick
I'm in a very warm library with Heidi (they DO heating in this country!) with exactly 1 hour to internet. So I've checked my email (alas) and checked my regular blogs... and now I thought I'd drop something in here.
I've been having a very special time with Heidi and her family. Little Keira is the sweetest thing. A very contented baby full of smiles, and sleeps at the most convenient times (including at night!) I've formed a special connection with Kaityn, she's full of cuddles and has an endearing British accent. I'm so loving seeing the space she inhabits - the shops (Hobbycraft, yum) and the school and the roads and her lovely decidedly un-British house. Now I'll be able to picture her in her space when we email and chat.
Also got to see Annie & Mark (& Daniel). Wonderful to see old friends, and lovely to just pick up where we left off.
BUT: I'm so missing my boys. All of my boys. I dreamt about a house flooding last night and I was very anxious about getting all my boys out. I need to see them. And I'm quite desperate to see my Biggest Boy. Missing him so much. I think 10 days is long enough. Two weeks is a bit too long.
"Do I like smiles? Yes, but only if they are real and filled with life. And I also like tears. You see, truth is beautiful, no matter what the expression." Randy Bacon
I've been having a very special time with Heidi and her family. Little Keira is the sweetest thing. A very contented baby full of smiles, and sleeps at the most convenient times (including at night!) I've formed a special connection with Kaityn, she's full of cuddles and has an endearing British accent. I'm so loving seeing the space she inhabits - the shops (Hobbycraft, yum) and the school and the roads and her lovely decidedly un-British house. Now I'll be able to picture her in her space when we email and chat.
Also got to see Annie & Mark (& Daniel). Wonderful to see old friends, and lovely to just pick up where we left off.
BUT: I'm so missing my boys. All of my boys. I dreamt about a house flooding last night and I was very anxious about getting all my boys out. I need to see them. And I'm quite desperate to see my Biggest Boy. Missing him so much. I think 10 days is long enough. Two weeks is a bit too long.
"Do I like smiles? Yes, but only if they are real and filled with life. And I also like tears. You see, truth is beautiful, no matter what the expression." Randy Bacon
Thursday, November 16
A Cambridge-ish Tome (forgive me)
I have had the most wonderful day today, and should be settling down to do a little more work, but I'm feeling a "fluence" from a G&T at Eagles pub (Most Famous Pub in Cambridge, and quite delicious G with my T) and two glasses of Most Fine Australian Shiraz served to us at Henry's by a sweet polish bar lady (I couldn't work out whether she was 14 or 15, but gave her a fine tip anyway).
Cambridge has been a wonderful experience. It's been amazing to have the freedom to reconnect with Dad. No "little ones" needing my undivided (although I have missed them like my heart breaking slowly into tiny pieces, which I'll mail back to myself, first class mail). I love the anachronisms of walking out of Sainsbury's, with its long isles of 47 different flavours and fat-contents of yoh-ghurt and 11p spaghetti, and catching a glimpse of a 400+yr old academic college, complete with turrets, statues, neatly shaved grass (light green this way, dark green that way, how do they do this?) and stained glass. The round church is unique and beautiful. The japanese elm in the Emanual College Fellows' Garden is probably the biggest non-Hogsback-Big-Tree I've ever seen. And breathtakingly beautiful. I found myself taking photos of doors and windows and trees and grass and even bicycles, like a true scrapbooker / Japanese tourist. I wonder if I'll have the will, energy or time to create a scrapbook / travel journal?
I've had the Best Time browsing in bookstores - Waterstones, WH Smith, Rymans (ah, stationery...) and Borders. Bought the boys books on dinosaurs, slinky malinky & hairy mcclary, and some I-am-such-a-good-mother-and-teacher early learning books on writing and numeracy. Dad and I managed to find the Cheapest Plastic-Crap Dinosaurs in Western Europe (a mere £1 to the £13 at The Cambridge Toy Shop). At least I have managed to cross off item number one on the boys' long list of Things Mom Will Get Us in England (to appease her guilt and distract us from she'll-be-away-for-2-weeks). Items number two and three are a little hard to acquisite: "men" (I think this might be X-men or the typical action hero figures) and "blankets with snake on it" (not quite sure where this comes from and where I should find such things and even whether I want to).
I managed a cross-country journey (15min walk in 7.10am prewinter-cold - 2.5hr uncomfortable coach journey - run to Oxford train station, miss train by 12 seconds - wait twenty minutes for next train, smelling delicious Costa coffee but too snoep to pay R36 for cuppa - train trip to Banbury station - wait expectantly for Phil & Mel at Banbury, not really convinced I'm in the right place and pressing send on a SOS sms as I see their Vauxhall turning into the parking lot - 10 min chatter-car drive to their lovely spot) to visit Phil & Mel & Ben & Anna. Don't get me wrong, I don't for one single second regret the rather tedious trip to get to them. It was thoroughly wonderful to see their house (big! not like your typical middle-row, double storey hole most English live in), get a taste of "public school" life and get to know the Schonken kids just a little better. I loved Anna bringing me books to read (she, basically, read them to me, with her rabbits go "hop hop hop" - mind the spittle - and fish go "phlup phlup phlup") and fetching wooden train tracks one at a time to make a long and slightly drunken track for the trains. I, after 20 minutes, managed to decifer sweet-Ben's lispy talk, Pom accent and all, and thoroughly enjoyed engaging with him about CBB's website and the Tweenies. Boy, did I miss my boys, but nothing a bit of Schonken-free-5,000mile-telephone-chatter couldn't cure (how can you not melt when your boys say "Love you, Mom" even if prompted by your Most Excellent Husband?)
Tomorrow I'm onto my Best Mate... I get to meet Heidi's fresh-babe: Keira-Page (not hyphenated, me thinks, but I rather like it hyphenated). I get to play with Heidi at an open-air market full of scrapbooking supplies (so I'm promised), buy Christmas stuff i don't really need but can't resist from Tesco's (thank you, Mel) and salavate at all the homewear goods at Ikea (and probably lug a catalogue home to attempt with little success to replicate the "rooms").
OK. Time for bed. I need to earn money tomorrow, Vanharm's Believe or Not, and I plan to be at my desk at 8am.
Missing all at home and in far-away places (like Australia-mate... please come home quick, Mom).
Today's Interesting but Useless HInt: Sudoku is much easier to do after a couple of drinks, much like speaking Afrikaans, playing the piano and telling lame jokes.
Cambridge has been a wonderful experience. It's been amazing to have the freedom to reconnect with Dad. No "little ones" needing my undivided (although I have missed them like my heart breaking slowly into tiny pieces, which I'll mail back to myself, first class mail). I love the anachronisms of walking out of Sainsbury's, with its long isles of 47 different flavours and fat-contents of yoh-ghurt and 11p spaghetti, and catching a glimpse of a 400+yr old academic college, complete with turrets, statues, neatly shaved grass (light green this way, dark green that way, how do they do this?) and stained glass. The round church is unique and beautiful. The japanese elm in the Emanual College Fellows' Garden is probably the biggest non-Hogsback-Big-Tree I've ever seen. And breathtakingly beautiful. I found myself taking photos of doors and windows and trees and grass and even bicycles, like a true scrapbooker / Japanese tourist. I wonder if I'll have the will, energy or time to create a scrapbook / travel journal?
I've had the Best Time browsing in bookstores - Waterstones, WH Smith, Rymans (ah, stationery...) and Borders. Bought the boys books on dinosaurs, slinky malinky & hairy mcclary, and some I-am-such-a-good-mother-and-teacher early learning books on writing and numeracy. Dad and I managed to find the Cheapest Plastic-Crap Dinosaurs in Western Europe (a mere £1 to the £13 at The Cambridge Toy Shop). At least I have managed to cross off item number one on the boys' long list of Things Mom Will Get Us in England (to appease her guilt and distract us from she'll-be-away-for-2-weeks). Items number two and three are a little hard to acquisite: "men" (I think this might be X-men or the typical action hero figures) and "blankets with snake on it" (not quite sure where this comes from and where I should find such things and even whether I want to).
I managed a cross-country journey (15min walk in 7.10am prewinter-cold - 2.5hr uncomfortable coach journey - run to Oxford train station, miss train by 12 seconds - wait twenty minutes for next train, smelling delicious Costa coffee but too snoep to pay R36 for cuppa - train trip to Banbury station - wait expectantly for Phil & Mel at Banbury, not really convinced I'm in the right place and pressing send on a SOS sms as I see their Vauxhall turning into the parking lot - 10 min chatter-car drive to their lovely spot) to visit Phil & Mel & Ben & Anna. Don't get me wrong, I don't for one single second regret the rather tedious trip to get to them. It was thoroughly wonderful to see their house (big! not like your typical middle-row, double storey hole most English live in), get a taste of "public school" life and get to know the Schonken kids just a little better. I loved Anna bringing me books to read (she, basically, read them to me, with her rabbits go "hop hop hop" - mind the spittle - and fish go "phlup phlup phlup") and fetching wooden train tracks one at a time to make a long and slightly drunken track for the trains. I, after 20 minutes, managed to decifer sweet-Ben's lispy talk, Pom accent and all, and thoroughly enjoyed engaging with him about CBB's website and the Tweenies. Boy, did I miss my boys, but nothing a bit of Schonken-free-5,000mile-telephone-chatter couldn't cure (how can you not melt when your boys say "Love you, Mom" even if prompted by your Most Excellent Husband?)
Tomorrow I'm onto my Best Mate... I get to meet Heidi's fresh-babe: Keira-Page (not hyphenated, me thinks, but I rather like it hyphenated). I get to play with Heidi at an open-air market full of scrapbooking supplies (so I'm promised), buy Christmas stuff i don't really need but can't resist from Tesco's (thank you, Mel) and salavate at all the homewear goods at Ikea (and probably lug a catalogue home to attempt with little success to replicate the "rooms").
OK. Time for bed. I need to earn money tomorrow, Vanharm's Believe or Not, and I plan to be at my desk at 8am.
Missing all at home and in far-away places (like Australia-mate... please come home quick, Mom).
Today's Interesting but Useless HInt: Sudoku is much easier to do after a couple of drinks, much like speaking Afrikaans, playing the piano and telling lame jokes.
Monday, October 16
off to the wild side
On Friday, I was asked by my "employer" if I'd assist with a 3-day workshop (Water Summit) for OR Tambo. I'm like: "when?" (next week). Think think think. Nothing on (except a wax), but momsie's leaving on Friday. I say "Um?" They say "It's at the Wild Coast Sun." I hold my tongue in order to play hard-to-get, while thinking "YES YES YES". Instead I say "So what do you want me to do? I don't do secretariate." Ends up that I'm facilitating some group work and plenary sessions (good learning experience) and will be assisting with drawing up the final report (at R400/hr!, but alas, not for me.)
As of next month, my employer will be Ms KA van Harmelen. She's not easy to work for, but she understands me. This is good. She's already given me my November workplan: a research project into financial modelling in municipalities, then 2 weeks' paid trip to the UK (I like this woman), then some training (ETD Practioner). I think this could work.
As of next month, my employer will be Ms KA van Harmelen. She's not easy to work for, but she understands me. This is good. She's already given me my November workplan: a research project into financial modelling in municipalities, then 2 weeks' paid trip to the UK (I like this woman), then some training (ETD Practioner). I think this could work.
bloody blogger (aka "More Good Shrink Time")
(Disclaimer: this was emailed to my blog on Thursday... it's yet to appear. So here it is "manually")
Yes, I did nearly call him my "shrink" to his face, but I could see the twinkle in his eye... he doesn't mind people calling him "shrink". Just one of my "routine" visits but I had to confess that I hadn't taken the drugs he'd prescribed last time I was there (mood stabilizers). Oops. Meant to phone, but didn't...
Things are much better with me, and here is some of the evidence:
1. I laugh more than I cry when I'm in his office (and it's not nervous or hysterical laughter)
2. I've got friends. No, really, I have! We were looking back to January, when I first saw him, and he'd asked about friends. I said I have one close one, but she's in the UK. We email. Now I've got tons. Love love LOVE my girlfriends, in the form of Book Club Girls, Gym Girls, Scrapbooking Girls, eFriends and two who merit "special mention": Ali and Shupiwe. They can certainly take some credit for my improved sanity.
3. We had a party and invited a bunch of people. It was MY idea and it was very cool.
4. I'm enjoying exercise and giving it some credit for being more Seratonin-sunny and Dopamine-dilly.
5. I'm being retrenched, and happy about it. It's going to give me time to find something I'm more passionate about.
6. I have been talking about depression and giving my medication (Venlor 150mg) some credit for helping me through. This is demystifying this "disease" for me and for others around me.
7. I'm reading. I'm reading FOUR books at the moment (he says to me: "how do you read for books at once?"). Now that's the old me. I can't remember reading a SINGLE book last year. Oh, BTW, if you haven't read "The Time Traveller's Wife", read it.
8. I did a scrapbook workshop on Saturday with Ali, called the "ABC of me" album. It went very very well. I was flat by the end of it, probably from exhaustion and all the giving, but we both received the most beautiful sms's about it afterwards. And we're running a kykweer in a few weeks time for those who feel they've missed out. Good stuff. I have tons of idea about more workshops, too.
9. My "down times" are no longer amorphous. I can name them, I can (usually) identify the cause, and I have skills and strategies to deal with them.
10. I'm planning to write a book of my own. Yes. I can make this happen (aka: "If you don't risk anything, you risk even more" Erica Jong).
So, my brain is shrunk. Now I'm working on my body! Hah!
Yes, I did nearly call him my "shrink" to his face, but I could see the twinkle in his eye... he doesn't mind people calling him "shrink". Just one of my "routine" visits but I had to confess that I hadn't taken the drugs he'd prescribed last time I was there (mood stabilizers). Oops. Meant to phone, but didn't...
Things are much better with me, and here is some of the evidence:
1. I laugh more than I cry when I'm in his office (and it's not nervous or hysterical laughter)
2. I've got friends. No, really, I have! We were looking back to January, when I first saw him, and he'd asked about friends. I said I have one close one, but she's in the UK. We email. Now I've got tons. Love love LOVE my girlfriends, in the form of Book Club Girls, Gym Girls, Scrapbooking Girls, eFriends and two who merit "special mention": Ali and Shupiwe. They can certainly take some credit for my improved sanity.
3. We had a party and invited a bunch of people. It was MY idea and it was very cool.
4. I'm enjoying exercise and giving it some credit for being more Seratonin-sunny and Dopamine-dilly.
5. I'm being retrenched, and happy about it. It's going to give me time to find something I'm more passionate about.
6. I have been talking about depression and giving my medication (Venlor 150mg) some credit for helping me through. This is demystifying this "disease" for me and for others around me.
7. I'm reading. I'm reading FOUR books at the moment (he says to me: "how do you read for books at once?"). Now that's the old me. I can't remember reading a SINGLE book last year. Oh, BTW, if you haven't read "The Time Traveller's Wife", read it.
8. I did a scrapbook workshop on Saturday with Ali, called the "ABC of me" album. It went very very well. I was flat by the end of it, probably from exhaustion and all the giving, but we both received the most beautiful sms's about it afterwards. And we're running a kykweer in a few weeks time for those who feel they've missed out. Good stuff. I have tons of idea about more workshops, too.
9. My "down times" are no longer amorphous. I can name them, I can (usually) identify the cause, and I have skills and strategies to deal with them.
10. I'm planning to write a book of my own. Yes. I can make this happen (aka: "If you don't risk anything, you risk even more" Erica Jong).
So, my brain is shrunk. Now I'm working on my body! Hah!
Tuesday, October 10
Ten on Tuesday (is it Tuesday?)
Just some randomness for your edification / entertainment / boredom-beater:
1. I have just finished a report I've been procrastinating for about three weeks. *sigh*
2. I woke up this morning with the birds tweeting. This was a real pleasure, believe me. It could be that Tim stayed in his bed all night (first time in weeks) or it could be that summer is coming and it was light and tweety at 4.45.
3. When I woke up this morning, I silently thanked goodness that it was the weekend. Then I really woke up.
4. I don't like praying mantises (I have no idea how to do the plural of mantis). I was reminded of this again yesterday twice: once when I was journaling "what makes me afraid" for my All About Me album and once while being subjected to Ants (with advert breaks) again by Matt & Tim.
5. I watched my boys fighting at school this morning. I didn't intervene. I waited for their teacher (and my friend) to do her job. *sigh*
6. I have only just discovered coffee milkshakes. This is not good. All that time wasted, and my poor waist.
7. I am currently reading four books: The Lovely Bones, Down Under, Eats Shoots and Leaves (does it have a comma or not?) and Designer's Eye for Scrapbooking with Patterned Paper. It's quite a treat to get into bed and decide which one I'll fall asleep under.
8. I've remembered AGAIN that we haven't phoned Phil for his birthday. I keep remembering the next day... the evenings seem to whoosh past and we haven't phoned. Forgive us, Phil, if you read this.
9. Ant can say "no more" (quick and gruff). Poor boy, have we been overfeeding him?
10. I have a rainbow-coloured nail file on my desk. Which I use about twice a month. For emergencies only.
(springboard? edillow's blog.)
1. I have just finished a report I've been procrastinating for about three weeks. *sigh*
2. I woke up this morning with the birds tweeting. This was a real pleasure, believe me. It could be that Tim stayed in his bed all night (first time in weeks) or it could be that summer is coming and it was light and tweety at 4.45.
3. When I woke up this morning, I silently thanked goodness that it was the weekend. Then I really woke up.
4. I don't like praying mantises (I have no idea how to do the plural of mantis). I was reminded of this again yesterday twice: once when I was journaling "what makes me afraid" for my All About Me album and once while being subjected to Ants (with advert breaks) again by Matt & Tim.
5. I watched my boys fighting at school this morning. I didn't intervene. I waited for their teacher (and my friend) to do her job. *sigh*
6. I have only just discovered coffee milkshakes. This is not good. All that time wasted, and my poor waist.
7. I am currently reading four books: The Lovely Bones, Down Under, Eats Shoots and Leaves (does it have a comma or not?) and Designer's Eye for Scrapbooking with Patterned Paper. It's quite a treat to get into bed and decide which one I'll fall asleep under.
8. I've remembered AGAIN that we haven't phoned Phil for his birthday. I keep remembering the next day... the evenings seem to whoosh past and we haven't phoned. Forgive us, Phil, if you read this.
9. Ant can say "no more" (quick and gruff). Poor boy, have we been overfeeding him?
10. I have a rainbow-coloured nail file on my desk. Which I use about twice a month. For emergencies only.
(springboard? edillow's blog.)
Wednesday, October 4
reasons to be glad
A dear friend, and perhaps relation in another life, gave me a beautiful book called "100 reasons to be glad". The encouragement is to make your own... Here are some of mine. There'll be more.
Travel writing (esp Bill Bryson)
Colour
Paper
A fire on a chilly winter night
Ham and cream cheese on a croissant for breakfast (what I'll eat everyday in Heaven)
Fresh, clean sheets on my bed
My husband calling me "my sunshine" (even if it did just rhyme with "1-time")
Friends who make me laugh
That Martha Beck "left the saints" and is writing books
There's a job out there for me that's worth doing and doing well
A winter sea
That shaft of sunlight that pierces the clouds and brightens the winter sea
Spier Chenin Blanc (and that it's only R22.95 a bottle)
Robertson's RubCab (and that it's only R18.95 a bottle)
A (relatively) conflict-free family
Sanity (even if it just alights briefly, like a butterfly)
Tuesday, September 26
I was going to blog something, but...
I can't remember what. Well, not exactly what. So...
1. Heidi's having her bebe today. YAY YAY YAY, happy birth-day!
2. My order of Heidi Swapp chipboard letters and KI Memories mega-alphas has just come in (ordered on behalf of my favourite scrapbook shop) and I'm going to collect them today!
3. I went to Jhb yesterday to meet with our head office about "resource allocation" and I realised how undervalued I am and how little they know about me and my potential. This is a very good thing. Now I feel I can say "goodbye" AND "good riddance" (to head office, that is, I am still very attached to many of the people, and will probably be doing work with the East London office). It was really tough on me yesterday, like REALLY tough, but today I'm realising how I SO needed that. I repeat (for my self): this is a very good thing. I can feel it!
4. We're having a party. We're having a party. Invited lots of people and have no idea who's coming. Just lost track in a totally non-Virgo way. But that's ok. So sorry that some of our faraway friends and family aren't coming, but I've decided to put up a board for "absent friends" (tnx for inspiration, Heidi). Something a little quirky, eh? Totally unlike (the former) me, but I'm learning how to have fun.
5. I'm getting my first ever manicure today. Pressie from my lovely friend, Ali.
6. My mom and dad are looking after my tiny Ant today. Together. And doing my shopping for the party (a jolly long list). Together. And when I went to bed last night, they were drinking sherry. Together. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't want them to be "together" (in that old-fashioned euphemistic way), it's just so much easier for me when they just act like old friends. Because that's really what they are. There's some screwed up history, most of which I have little knowledge of and don't need know, but really, there's a lost friendship somewhere in there. It makes me feel good to think about that.
7. I got a call from Ali this morning, saying she loves the "crusty-communist flashing shoes" the boys are wearing today. They're gaudy and way too big for them, but they've got lights! They blink when the boys jump or walk or run. So much of this will be done today. Tee hee.
8. There was something really silly the boys said in the car this morning, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. It had a really cute rhyme. When I remember, or more likely, when Gareth remembers, I'll blog it.
So, there's a bunch of really random things. Just cos.
NOTE: This was Friday's post, emailed to blogger, but somehow got lost in the "tubes". Will be posting an update soonest.
1. Heidi's having her bebe today. YAY YAY YAY, happy birth-day!
2. My order of Heidi Swapp chipboard letters and KI Memories mega-alphas has just come in (ordered on behalf of my favourite scrapbook shop) and I'm going to collect them today!
3. I went to Jhb yesterday to meet with our head office about "resource allocation" and I realised how undervalued I am and how little they know about me and my potential. This is a very good thing. Now I feel I can say "goodbye" AND "good riddance" (to head office, that is, I am still very attached to many of the people, and will probably be doing work with the East London office). It was really tough on me yesterday, like REALLY tough, but today I'm realising how I SO needed that. I repeat (for my self): this is a very good thing. I can feel it!
4. We're having a party. We're having a party. Invited lots of people and have no idea who's coming. Just lost track in a totally non-Virgo way. But that's ok. So sorry that some of our faraway friends and family aren't coming, but I've decided to put up a board for "absent friends" (tnx for inspiration, Heidi). Something a little quirky, eh? Totally unlike (the former) me, but I'm learning how to have fun.
5. I'm getting my first ever manicure today. Pressie from my lovely friend, Ali.
6. My mom and dad are looking after my tiny Ant today. Together. And doing my shopping for the party (a jolly long list). Together. And when I went to bed last night, they were drinking sherry. Together. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't want them to be "together" (in that old-fashioned euphemistic way), it's just so much easier for me when they just act like old friends. Because that's really what they are. There's some screwed up history, most of which I have little knowledge of and don't need know, but really, there's a lost friendship somewhere in there. It makes me feel good to think about that.
7. I got a call from Ali this morning, saying she loves the "crusty-communist flashing shoes" the boys are wearing today. They're gaudy and way too big for them, but they've got lights! They blink when the boys jump or walk or run. So much of this will be done today. Tee hee.
8. There was something really silly the boys said in the car this morning, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. It had a really cute rhyme. When I remember, or more likely, when Gareth remembers, I'll blog it.
So, there's a bunch of really random things. Just cos.
NOTE: This was Friday's post, emailed to blogger, but somehow got lost in the "tubes". Will be posting an update soonest.
Monday, September 18
twins - free to a good home
already have good vocab, almost house-trained and sleeping through the night
nutrition required: fish & chips, month's supply included
very entertaining and have many party tricks to entertain friends (possible
money-spinner)
best to go separately, as they tend to malfunction if together
both have violent outbursts, but regular experiments have shown that this is
due to proximity to other twin or to birth-mother (or both)
please apply in writing. packaging and postage covered by seller
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Tuesday, September 12
so much to say... so little wine
I've been reading another of Mom's wonderful emails (check link on left to
her blogspot), and it makes me want to write. Good writing begets good
writing (in more ways than one, eh?) Not that my writing's good, it's just
writing... And it's good for me.
I want to write about my Don't Come Monday letter (as in don't come 1st
Oct), and what my plans are about it. I want to write about my upcoming trip
to the UK and the planning for the Aus trip next year (The Wedding is on 7th
April). I want to tell you about our pending party. I want to write about my
children's foot and mouth ailments (notsobad!) I want to write about dreams
and desires and destinies. I want to write about two beautiful (in
completely different ways) books I'm reading (The Lovely Bones and The Joy
Diet). But for now, I shall tell you this:
Robertson's Ruby Cabernet (2005) is a wonderful wine. It's R18.95 at
Prestons, so definately a quaffer, but the second sip is better than the
first and the second glass better than the first and the second bottle...
you get the picture. It helps me solve my problems so well - the next
morning I've forgot the solutions, but that's ok, because I've forgotten the
problems (which is the ultimate solution). And I can get three CASES for the
price of a visit to my shrink ("cognitive therapy including play"), although
the medical aid rates do not include alcohol for medicinal purposes.
Dang, my 8 o'clock's here (at 8.24). Latah.
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